Friday, February 22, 2013

Ugh, stupid How I Met Your Mother.  Normally, I love that show.  But the reruns about Lilly and Marshal TTC (trying to conceive) have been on, and I literally want to punch the TV.  "We've been trying for two months, but holy shit, we're not pregnant yet so there has to be a problem." takes up to a year for a healthy, reproductively normal couple to conceive.  You have about a 20% chance each month. Oh, and Lilly, you don't have to take your temp every hour, just once, right after you wake up before getting out of bed will do.  Oh, and Marshal, its really not the best idea to abstain from, ehem, releasing any tension (with or without your wife) for two weeks before ovulation.  Your spermies will probably be old and dead.  Its best to let your swimmers swim at least every 3 days. "Why is it taking so long??!!"  Again, its only been two months guys.  Chill out.
And it seems like this is a trend with any tv show that has main characters TTC.  Yeah, lets have so and so go to the fertility specialist after trying for 3 months.  Oh, and lets have lots of laughing and joking about it along the way.  Lets have the couple's friends say horribly rude things like, "Heh heh heh, you shooting blanks or something, man?" And have everyone laugh about it, like saying those types of things are acceptable.  Lets take something that is horribly stressful for people in real life and minimize it.  Lets also put out tons of false information so that people are sobbing over BFNs (big fat negative pregnancy tests) a day after they ovulate, freak out and try to book an appointment with a specialist after 3 months (hahahahahaha! good luck booking one without lying after that short amount of time), and continue to perpetuate the insane belief that you can get pregnant at any point in your cycle.  I happened to see an episode of Mike and Molly where Molly goes and POAS (pee on a stick) the morning after they have sex.  Um, sweetie, that test picks up hcg which is found in your blood if fertilization is successful and implantation occurs.  And that doesn't happen until 7-10 days after you ovulate.  The HCG then has to be filtered by your kidneys and make it into your urine.  You're just wasting those FRERs (first response early result pregnancy test), and those things are pretty expensive.  And then more *hilariously* uninformed decisions are made, and I'm left sitting there yelling, "Of course you're not pregnant yet!  You're a MORON!!!" at the TV.  So tv producers/writers/directors if you are going to bring infertility into your show make it true to life and believable.  Or just make the two characters get pregnant first try and leave it alone.
OK, rant over.  On to other subjects.  Like me!!! I tried to go back to work yesterday and made it for all of two hours.  Apparently my insides don't heal as quickly as I thought they would.  And so now I'm laughing at the fact that I thought I would be able to get back into exercising next week and was bummed when my doctor told me no.  I can't even sit up straight for longer than two hours without hurting, how the hell am I supposed to dance?  Not going to happen.  I've read about other ladies who healed up waaay quicker than this, and sort of feel like a wuss.  I feel like I was in good enough shape to bounce back from this more quickly than I am.  Granted, its only been a week since my surgery, but still.....  I refuse to do anything that might set me back even longer, so I must swallow my pride and take it easy.  Sadness.  I'm ready to get back to normal.  My poor puppies have been neglected too.  I know they are dogs, and dogs like to be outside, but they have been spending a lot of time outside.  I've just been too scared that they will jump on me and hurt me. So now they are super dirty, and poor Autumn really needs a haircut.  But all that is going to have to wait. Poor stinky puppies....
And now, some TTC humor:

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

So, surgery was definitely not the horror I anticipated.  I did not wake up, as I had feared would happen.  (Or if I did, I do not remember it.)  I was incredibly nervous, but the valium did wonders to help, as did whatever else they put in my IV.  The recovery has not been bad either.  I'm not big into pain though, so I've been avoiding doing anything that might cause it.  Of course this hasn't been fool-proof, and there was one time I twisted or something and felt like I was ripping open my belly button incision.  That HURT.  And was not fun. At all. But all in all, it has not been a traumatic experience.  And I would do it again if I had to.  But I DON'T!!!  That's right, it wasn't bad enough to warrant another surgery.  In fact, it was not bad at all.  She found no endo or scar tissue in my pelvic cavity.  From my mother's descriptions of the pictures the doctor showed her and Mark, everything was nice and white and pink and shiny.  (I want those pictures, darn it! And usually they give them to you.  Grr...)  There were a few issues in my uterus, but the d&c removed it all. The doctor is hopeful that these fixes will stop my bleeding issues and (Fingers Crossed) help us to get pregnant.  We shall see!
As far as everything else goes, I am not allowed to exercise at all until my post-op appointment on March 4th.  So two weeks.  I'm not raring to go hit the gym today, but I know by next week I am probably going to be jonesing for some Zumba.  And this also means that I probably will not be performing at the Hafla (belly dance party) like I had been hoping.  But there will be other opportunities, and I really do want to make sure I make a full recovery.  So no dancing (or pumping or yoga-ing) until she clears me.  Booo!  Other than that, not much has been going on.  I am going to attempt to go back to work Thursday.  I've been trying to move around a lot more and sit up for longer periods of time in an attempt to get ready for it.  Its still really uncomfortable, but I'm managing.  I'm thinking that by Thursday, I should be feeling a lot better.  We shall see.
Alrighty, I think I am going to go take some more ibuprofen now.  And now for your IFPSA of the day:

Really, right now, I got nothing.  I have the best husband, family, and friends who have taken such good care of me and made me feel so loved.  You guys are the best, and I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you.  I love you guys!!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

 Its a happy plush uterus!  Must be nice to have a happy uterus, must be nice....
Nervous, nervous, nervous.  I have a feeling that I'm going to be a huge mess tomorrow.  But that is ok.  The nurse who did all my pre-op stuff today said that if I am a huge mess tomorrow, I get a valium!  Yay!  I've never had valium before, but I heard that it is very useful when trying to keep someone from hyperventilating, crying, or vomiting from the anxiety.  So at least if I do break down sobbing, I'll be given a drug to help me not be too embarrassed by it.  And as far as vomiting from the anesthesia goes, she said they will put anti-nausea meds into my iv to help.  No one wants to get vomited on.  Everyone today made me feel confident that they will take excellent care of me.  And I know they will.  Doesn't mean I'm not scared anymore though.  I'm also tired of getting stuck already.  And I know there is a lot more sticking to go tomorrow. I had blood drawn from BOTH arms today, and they are both quite sore.  I'm hoping my IV will be in my hand tomorrow, as my arms want no more of it.
After talking with my doctor today about my concerns, she also suggested doing a d & c.  It will remove anything that might be causing my uterus (stupid uterus) to rebel, and give her tissue to inspect to make sure there is nothing more serious going on.  This, combined with the lap, should give a more complete picture of what's causing all the problems I've been having and might even clue us into why getting and staying pregnant is so darn hard.  We will have answers, ladies and gentlemen!  ANSWERS!  She also suggested that cleaning everything out could help us get pregnant quickly.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, as everything that is supposed to have helped us has not.  So I must remember, quality of life is what I'm after at this point. A baby would just be a miraculous bonus.
Ok people, I want to finish watching Vampire Diaries, and then I need to go get ready for tomorrow.  So, until my next post, here is your IFPSA of the day:
When talking to someone who is trying to have children, please don't say, "Oh, you're young.  There's plenty of time to have kids.  Why are you in such a hurry?"  For me, the answer is I'm not young.  I am 2 and half years away from being 35 which is considered advanced maternal age.  I don't have as much time as you imply.  Yes, people are having babies at later and later ages, but there are also more risks involved the older that you are.  Not to mention that egg reserves dramatically diminish by the time a woman reaches 30.  Waiting until we were ready is probably part of the issue, so no, there is not plenty of time to have children.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

AWWWW!  Look at how cute!  Yes, concentrate on the cuteness, Sarah.............

Yep, well, its official.  Surgery on Friday has finally become real.  I have had the hardest time concentrating on anything the past couple of days.  I just keep thinking about all the things that need to get done before Friday.  And then my mind starts wandering to Friday itself, and I freak out and go back to thinking about jello, and stretchy pants, and heating pads.  So yeah, I have really not been productive at work today.  I'm trying, but it seems that every time I try to focus myself and call a doctor's office I start thinking about MY doctor's appointments on Thursday.  Which takes me back to thinking about all the stuff I need to get done before Friday.  And then leads to trying my hardest not to think about Friday.  Its a vicious vicious cycle, ya'll.  I'm afraid that by Friday I am going to be a big terrified baby.  I woke up this morning thinking, "OMG ITS TUESDAY!!! It's so much closer to Friday!  Holy crap, I don't know if I'm ready for this."  But I know I am ready, I'm just really anxious.  Anxious that I will be in a lot of pain after.  Anxious that I will wake up in the middle of it like I did when I had my wisdom teeth cut out.  Anxious that I'll need another surgery.  And a bit worried that I'll get there on Friday and start crying or something.  But I just have to keep reminding myself that this surgery is going to clue us into what is going on.  And knowing is going to be well worth any pain or embarrassing freak outs that might happen.  I just need to hang in there.  Everything is going to be ok. Yep, just gotta keep telling myself that.

Friday, February 8, 2013

One more week!  Actually in one more week I will be in a pain-med induced stupor, but same thing.  It hit me last night that I don't actually think this is real.  One would think I'd be starting to get nervous about being put under and then getting holes cut into me, but it doesn't feel like its going to happen to ME.  I feel like I'm just reading a book or something, and that a character is getting ready to go into surgery.  Its very strange, but maybe its a coping mechanism.  I mean who really wants to KNOW that they are going to have someone cut them open and put a camera in there.  I need to get everything ready too.  I've started making a list of things to buy and prepare, but I'm nowhere near being finished with the list.  Haven't even started the buying or preparing.  I really do need to get on it.  I'm running out of time.  God forbid I don't have enough reading material or jello.  Luckily Mark is going to be off of work during my surgery and for a good portion afterward, so if I run out of Jello, I'll be ok.
I'm just ready to know for sure what is wrong with my stupid body.  Even if its horrible news, at least I'll know and be better able to prepare for how it will effect my life.  The pain and bleeding when there is not supposed to be pain and bleeding is bad, but not knowing what the hell is going on is even worse.  Is it endometriosis?  Do I have tons of cysts? Is it cancer?  Is it one of the nasty critters from Alien trying to bust out of my pelvis?  Who knows!  Not this girl.  But we'll know something very soon, and that brings me a great deal of comfort.  Even if they get in there and find that everything is so bad I won't be able to have children, at least I will know and be able to move on with my life.  At this point all I want are answers.  And the ability to work out as hard as I want to without all the horrible side effects.
Now on to other topics.  As far as working out goes, I was very bad this week.  I missed Monday night Belly Dance due to the fast approaching deadline to a huge project at work.  I danced my heart out at Zumba on Tuesday, only to leave feeling like both of my ovaries were trying to knife their way out of my hips while my uterus rooted them on.  A horrendous sinus headache kept me from Wednesday night Yoga, and tummy issues kept me from Bodypump and Belly Dance on Thursday.  So I have worked out one day this week.  Not good.  At all.  I don't know how long I'm going to be out of commission after my surgery, so I really should have taken advantage of all the opportunities I had this week.  But alas, I was falling apart.  I am quite tired of falling apart.
Well, friends, I think I am going to bed now.  Until next time, here is your IFPSA of the day:
Pregnancy announcements.  They suck.  We love you and are happy for you, but please remember that we are trying so hard to achieve the same thing.  Your happy news is indeed happy, but it is also quite painful as it reminds us that we are still unable to (and may never) achieve a successful pregnancy.  So be gentle when you tell your friends that struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss your wonderful news.  Give us time to process it, come to terms with our feelings, and then move on to being truly happy for you.  Also, please don't let us be the last to know.  Keeping the news from us to spare our feelings is not fun either.  We're going to find out sooner or later, so please, gently tell us when you tell everyone else.  And remember we are TRULY HAPPY for you.  It just may take us a minute to move past our own feelings.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Two more weeks!  Hooray!  I am so ready for this!  I talked to my doctor's office yesterday, and nicely demanded that they give me a date and time for all my pre-op appointments so that I could tell work something.  So they scheduled them both for the day before the actual procedure, which is a lot better than the schedule they had me on when they wanted to do the lap earlier this month (well, technically last month as it is February now).  They still couldn't tell me what time I was supposed to go to the hospital to get cut open and have pictures taken of my insides, but at least I know the day.  I am realizing that the next couple of weeks are really going to fly by, and I need to get ready for this thing.  I need to gather together reading material, jello, and stretchy pants.  And I need to teach my cat to stop jumping on my stomach and laying on me, as this will inevitably be very uncomfortable.  (She's also really drool-y and loves to shake her head and fling that drool all over my face.  Lovely, huh?)  Also, I need to buy some gas-x.  For my dog.  Dear God....

And now on to the topic that I seem to love to talk about, but scoff at everyone else who does......CELEBRITIES!!!  Good lord, seriously, WTH is wrong with me?  Why do I always feel the need to talk about them?  Maybe its because they are so messed up, and stupid, and tragic.   Or maybe it just makes me feel better about myself.  Who knows?  But today we are going to talk about Taylor Swift.  Pretty little Taylor Swift, with her curly blond hair, adorable little nose, and sense of self so wrapped up in every guy she dates, she is miserable when it ends and can't be happy until she finds another poor sap to attach herself to.  I have her latest song stuck in my head.  Something about knowing the guy was trouble when he walked in.  And how she was just a notch in his belt.  And how she'll never get fooled again (poor sweet Taylor, she says that every time).  And I have to wonder if she has any identity outside of the guys she dates at all?  It seems to me that someone who has a sense of self and has an identity other than the latest guy that she was dating, wouldn't be devastated and heartbroken after every. single. breakup.  Wouldn't feel the need to write I hate you/I'm so sad songs after every date that goes wrong.  I dated my share of scumbags (who hasn't), but I didn't feel the need to write long hate letters/why don't you love me letters after things ended. So Taylor, sweetie I have a suggestion. Get a hobby.  Or some friends.  Pick a charity and devote yourself to it. Get a puppy.  But please, stop freaking dating until you actually have figured out that you are a person that doesn't need someone to attach to in order to exist.  I guarantee that once you find yourself, you will have an easier go of it in the relationship department.  So seriously, go coordinate animal rescues or something and stop dating!

And now, for those of you who don't want to read on and hear me bitch about my uterus, here is your IFPSA of the day:
If you have a friend or family member that has been trying to conceive for a while, chances are she is not going to want links to articles about celebrity pregnancies plastered all over her facebook wall.  This did not happen to me, but happened to a lady in one of my online support groups, and needless to say, she got really upset.  The fact that we are having trouble trying to get pregnant makes all things pregnancy and baby related painful.  It seriously sucks to walk by the baby isle at Target or Wal-Mart, and seeing pregnant people can make you want to punch things.  So its probably not a good idea to send her pics of celebrity baby bumps, or your baby bumps, or anyones baby bumps really.

Yes, ladies (and probably not gentlemen, because I know very few men who want to read about uteri), this is indeed how I am feeling today (as well as yesterday when I started this post).  Mother Nature must still be really pissed off at me for all those years I didn't recycle, because otherwise, I really don't understand why she is doing this to me.  I mean seriously, I haven't had kids yet, but there is a part of me that is hoping they'll get in there in a couple of weeks and feel the need to take my damn uterus out.  Just take it.  Seriously.  All it does is cause me pain, and gross me out, and force me not to exercise as hard as I want to, and refuse to keep a baby in there until it can live on the outside.  I'm tired of hurting so much that 6 ibuprofen and a lortab and a heating pad won't get rid of the pain.  I am so thankful that I have an awesome understanding boss that allowed me to go home yesterday, because I probably would not have made it through the day without crawling under my desk, curling into a ball, and crying.  So hell, just take it out.  I'm tired of it.  I want a child more than anything, but I honestly don't feel that it will happen at this point.  No uterus= no period, no pain, no more miscarriages, and no more guessing whether or not this month might be the month that ends in a BFP and pure terror that I'll miscarry agian.  I know the better option would be finding fixable insides, but with all the hell I go through every month (not just with my period but all the damn time!), I'm just not seeing that as a possibility.
Ok, I'm done bitching and Ground Hog Day is about to come on.  So until next time....