I guess I was naive to think that having a second child would be easier than the hell we went through with Eli. So many people say that after your body finally figures it out and you have that first baby, subsequent children are way easier to have. My thoughts were that if I can't get pregnant again, so be it. I have a perfect 4 year old that I love more than life itself. He's my miracle, my rainbow, my sticky baby, and I'll be ok if it's only him. It can't hurt to try. What I guess I refused to think about was if I could get pregnant again but not stay that way. My stubborn, stupid, naive brain refused to see that as a possibility.
Mark and I decided that adding another child to our family was something that we wanted. Eli has been practically begging for a sibling, and well, you know me, baby fever is a constant. We decided that we would not try but not prevent and just see how things go. No pressure. No testing, temping, or crazy tricks. We're happy with our family, but if we have another child, fantastic.
This was the first cycle of our not try/not prevent adventure, and shockingly, we got pregnant. I couldn't believe it. Almost 3 years. 2 miscarriages. And finally Eli. It was unbelievable. It was too easy. A little voice in the back of my head whispered that we got pregnant the very first month we started trying with Eli, too. But we miscarried. I told that voice to fuck off. That was not going to happen this time. No, my body figured everything out after getting pregnant with Eli. It was going to be fine. Went in for bloodwork to make sure everything was fine, as we had 2 previous miscarriages. Betas were great. 179 at 11dpo is really good. Take that, voice.
I went in 48 hours later for anther test. Just to make sure everything is rising fine. I'm sure it is. I've had bad heartburn, achy boobs, been exhausted. Just like with Eli. I got those back. Decent number, but my betas levels are not rising like they're supposed to. They're doubling every 68 hours instead of every 48. There's like a 15% chance that everything will still be fine. 15. So yeah, here we go again. I didn't know why I thought it would be any different. Stupidly hopeful I guess. So I'm angry, depressed. And just to add to that, I also feel guilty. I got my rainbow baby when there are many women who don't. I have a healthy, happy 4 year old. And here I am falling apart again. This shit isn't fair. For any of the infertility/loss couples out there. But, I mean, at least I have a kid, right?
I went in today and got more blood drawn, but I won't know anything until Monday. So here I am, stuck in the hell that is the beta waiting game, trying not to lose it. I know the outcome is probably going to suck, but there's a shred of hope holding on. And I just want to know so I can prepare. Prepare to miscarry my 3rd child. Yeah, it's still early, but this baby is very much wanted. Very much loved. I guess we'll find out more on Monday. Until then, the waiting game continues.
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