Beta hell...Here we go again

I guess I was naive to think that having a second child would be easier than the hell we went through with Eli. So many people say that after your body finally figures it out and you have that first baby, subsequent children are way easier to have. My thoughts were that if I can't get pregnant again, so be it. I have a perfect 4 year old that I love more than life itself. He's my miracle, my rainbow, my sticky baby, and I'll be ok if it's only him. It can't hurt to try. What I guess I refused to think about was if I could get pregnant again but not stay that way. My stubborn, stupid, naive brain refused to see that as a possibility.

Mark and I decided that adding another child to our family was something that we wanted. Eli has been practically begging for a sibling, and well, you know me, baby fever is a constant. We decided that we would not try but not prevent and just see how things go. No pressure. No testing, temping, or crazy tricks. We're happy with our family, but if we have another child, fantastic.

This was the first cycle of our not try/not prevent adventure, and shockingly, we got pregnant. I couldn't believe it. Almost 3 years. 2 miscarriages. And finally Eli. It was unbelievable. It was too easy. A little voice in the back of my head whispered that we got pregnant the very first month we started trying with Eli, too. But we miscarried. I told that voice to fuck off. That was not going to happen this time. No, my body figured everything out after getting pregnant with Eli. It was going to be fine. Went in for bloodwork to make sure everything was fine, as we had 2 previous miscarriages. Betas were great. 179 at 11dpo is really good. Take that, voice.
I went in 48 hours later for anther test. Just to make sure everything is rising fine.  I'm sure it is. I've had bad heartburn, achy boobs, been exhausted. Just like with Eli. I got those back. Decent number, but my betas levels are not rising like they're supposed to. They're doubling every 68 hours instead of every 48. There's like a 15% chance that everything will still be fine. 15. So yeah, here we go again. I didn't know why I thought it would be any different. Stupidly hopeful I guess. So I'm angry, depressed. And just to add to that, I also feel guilty. I got my rainbow baby when there are many women who don't. I have a healthy, happy 4 year old. And here I am falling apart again. This shit isn't fair. For any of the infertility/loss couples out there. But, I mean, at least I have a kid, right?

I went in today and got more blood drawn, but I won't know anything until Monday. So here I am, stuck in the hell that is the beta waiting game, trying not to lose it. I know the outcome is probably going to suck, but there's a shred of hope holding on. And I just want to know so I can prepare. Prepare to miscarry my 3rd child. Yeah, it's still early, but this baby is very much wanted. Very much loved. I guess we'll find out more on Monday. Until then, the waiting game continues.

I'm gonna lose my shiz

My child is driving me absolutely insane.

See, I live in Alabama. It usually does not get very cold. We usually don't get snow. So when we do get snow, everything shuts right on down. It snowed late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. And not just little flurries or a sprinkling. We got a good 2-3 inches of snow, which is a lot for Alabama. 

All the schools in the area closed Wednesday, including my son's pre-school. Which was 100% fine, as I was planning on keeping him home anyway. Even if it didn't snow, I wasn't going to take him to school. I'm not a fan of the car seat winter coat shuffle, and it was going to be below freezing all day. So we had a fun, fully anticipated snow day.

And then school was canceled again today. Ok, no big. Mark was off work again (because everything shuts down when it snows). Eli was restless, but he was manageable. And I had the promise of him going to school tomorrow. Eli and I were both super excited that he was going to get to go back to school tomorrow. And then they closed all schools again tomorrow.

My child is going to literally be bouncing off the walls. He was super upset when I told him school was canceled tomorrow and then proceeded to act like a giant ass the rest of the night. I am expecting the same tomorrow. I can understand roads being bad Wednesday and maybe even today. But Friday? Ya'll (the city, county, whatever) get some sand and salt and melt that shit. I understand we're not prepared for weather like this, but they had plenty of time to get some supplies. I don't know, maybe it takes more than that. I am just not looking forward to spending yet another day with a stir crazy child.

Maybe the roads won't be bad tomorrow, and I can take him to Chick-fil-A or something. But I do know one thing: Monday can't get here soon enough.

And this is how I die.

How morbid is it that I think that phrase at least once daily? I've got a chest cold and am walking in the freezing wind with my coat open: this is how I die. I start laughing and can't stop coughing: this is how I die. I step on this Lego, slide on that coloring book, and fall into the doorway: this is how I die. My child won't quit whining from the backseat of the car: this is how I go crazy and then die. It's a bit ridiculous, and it's not like I have a death wish. I think I've just watched one too many episodes of 1000 Ways to Die.

Anyhow. I'm sucking at this whole "write something every day" business. The above passage was actually written Friday. Nothing written yesterday. Forcing myself to write this now. But I AM sick. And I'm pretty sure this cough is going to kill me. The antibiotics are breaking everything up, and I can't stop trying to hack stuff up. Trying is the word. I hate this phase of it. I'm technically getting better, but it feels like I'm getting worse. It's no fun. Eli keeps asking if I'm ok, over and over again, while I'm in the middle of never ending coughing fits. Like, kid, I can't answer you. I can't talk or breathe. I'm not ok, and now I'm super annoyed too. He's the sweetest, and I love him. But geez, kid, leave me alone and let me cough to death in peace. #andthisishowidie

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie

Girl, you should NOT have carved your name into his leather seats. All that other shit would be hard to definitively pin on you. But your name? Bless your heart, sweetie, you're going to jail.

I didn't write anything yesterday. I'm still sick, probably getting sicker, but at least the pain has returned to normal. I'm not really feeling up to writing much today either, but it felt like skipping again would lead to a habit of not writing.

And with that, I'll take my leave.

Fibromyalgia is a b*ch and then you die.

Can I take a moment to moan and groan and bitch about my fibromyalgia? It's been a bad day.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am sick. Nasty cough, runny nose, angry sinuses, the works. Now, for a normal person, having a cold is unpleasant. But my body seems to think I actually have the flu. Every joint and bone and muscle from my hips down are in achy, miserable agony. My back and arms are also feeling fairly terrible, but at least they're not as bad as the legs. I know I don't have the flu, as I don't have a fever or the chills. I just have a stupid body with stupid overactive nerves that react stupidly to various stimuli. And being sick is one such stimuli.

To complicate matters, another fibromyalgia triggering stimuli for me is weather change. Especially cold or wet weather. And it is stupidly cold. We are in Alabama. It should not be in the 20s and 30s outside. I need to move to the desert. Somewhere hot and dry sounds amazing at the moment. 

Because honestly, I'm having a hard time dealing. I'm not sure what I did in this or a past life to deserve this; but I'm really really sorry, and I won't do it again. Most days, the pain is manageable with a few tricks such as avoiding gluten like the plague. But on days like this, with my whole body just being a big ol' ball of pain, I have to do the whole whiny 'Why me?' bit. I just wanna eat a cupcake or something, but that would just make it worse. And so I just wrap myself up in any heated blanket, throw, pad I have available and try to remember that it's not always like this.
.......
And just when I thought my day was already sucking enough, I go into the kitchen to get something for Eli and hear water gushing from the laundry room. Couldn't get anything to turn off, couldn't get ahold of anyone to help me turn it off. I'm really winning at this adulting thing today. Like, how is it possible that I don't know how to turn off the water from the road? How the crap is it that I can turn the water off to the whole house from under the kitchen sink, yet the water to the laundry room won't turn off? The first answer is: I've depended on my male friends and family to save my ass, and that seriously needs to change. I'm going to get Mark to show me how to take care of basic catastrophic shit. The answer to the second question is that this house was just pieced together (and not well, may I add) and it's stupid and I hate it.

Anywhoo.  Luckily Mark was able to come home early and save the day. I'm now back in the comfort of my heated throw, appreciating that it could indeed be worse. Instant karma at its finest.

Long time, no write

Well, it's been 4 years since I've updated this blog. Infancy and toddler-hood is very time consuming and extremely worth it. I also developed fibromyalgia shortly after Eli's first birthday, and that's a whole different set of challenges and issues. So between the baby/sleep deprivation brain fog and the fibro (brain) fog, I haven't really been feeling the struggle that is writing. It is a lot easier to read other people's stories than it is to write your own. But I have resolved to fight through the fog and try to write everyday. Some days it will be this blog, some days it will be a story that I've been working on forever, and some days it will just be me writing down some ramblings that popped into my head. I'm hoping that by writing daily, I'll again become comfortable enough to apply for freelance writing jobs and work on my stupid book idea.

This is a quick entry, as it is New Year's Day, I have an extremely noisy child, and I'm sick. Concentration isn't really an option at the moment, but I felt that skipping writing today wouldn't set a very good precedence for my new year's resolution. And with that, I'll leave you. Enjoy your holiday, and there will be more writing to come.

We made it to 36 weeks!

I can't believe it's been a month since our bleeding/contraction scare.  I can remember being anxious to make it to 34 weeks, and now we're just a week away from delivering early term if the little turkey decides he can't wait any longer!  There haven't been anymore bleeding scares, but I'm still having trouble controlling the contractions.  At last week's monitoring appointment, we were there for 3 hours trying to get the contractions to go away.  They finally let me go home after the contractions spaced out enough for them to feel comfortable discharging me, but they never did go away completely.  I'm also still having trouble realizing that they are happening, and that trouble isn't just for the little contractions.  Apparently I had a nice big one lasting a minute and had no idea that it was happening. I'm hoping that my inability to recognize them will correlate to an easier labor and less pain, as I am planning to try to give birth without an epidural. But even though my uterus is all angry (why should I have expected it to behave any differently once I actually got and stayed pregnant?), our baby boy has always looked great and is thriving. So as long as he is still doing well, I can't complain too much.  I do not think that we will make it to our due date, but we are far enough along now that I won't freak out too badly if he decides it's go time.

I am still on bed rest, but I have been given the freedom to alternate between the bed and the recliner in the living room.  She also gave me permission to get my own snacks and make my own lunch, so long as I'm not on my feet for very long or moving around too much.  I'm still not allowed to do anything else such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc., but the little bit of freedom that I am allowed has made being on bed rest much much easier.  I'm hoping that once I reach 37 weeks, she'll give me even more freedom and allow me to do light cleaning or go for short walks.  I think the bleeding was the main cause for the bed rest order, so I'm not sure if she'll actually allow me to do some of that stuff or not. It won't hurt to ask, so ask I shall!

I hate sitting here doing nothing all day when there is still so much that needs to be done for his arrival, but I really have no choice.  I have been ordering some essentials that we need for him, since we won't be able to have a baby shower until after he gets here. I've also ordered the rest of what we need for the hospital bag and have a list made up of what needs to go in it, so that Mark can put the bag together. I'd really like to be able to do more, but at least it's something.

And so now, we wait.  We have 7 days until term and 28 days until his due date!  It won't be long!

Who's on bed rest? This girl. Yay...

So, It's been a while since I've done a blog post.  Everything had been going along like normal.  There was nothing really to report other than feeling frequent movements, getting uncomfortable, etc. so I didn't really feel the need to update.  Well, now there is something to report, and it's definitely not great news.  Eli and I are now confined to the bed for the duration of the pregnancy.  We had a really scary weekend, and I am just thankful that my little turkey is still cooking!

I had been feeling a bit strange Thursday, pretty worn out and a little sore, but I attributed that to the fact that I had cleaned my bathroom.  I just thought it wore me out since I'm getting so much bigger.  Mark got home from work and we were chilling on the couch when I felt this huge gush of fluid.  TMI maybe, but it felt like I peed myself, and I knew I didn't.  I jumped up off the couch and headed to the bathroom where I found it was not in fact pee, it was blood.  A lot of blood.  So I calmly yelled, "We have to go to the hospital. Now." down the hall to Mark and off we went.  We got to the ER after what felt like forever (I swear, every single light turned red when we got to it and stayed that way), and they rushed me up to l&d. They tried to get a urine sample, but unfortunately I was still bleeding way too much.  They hooked me up to the monitor, and they were able to find his heartbeat fairly quickly.  It was really strong, which meant that he was still doing well.  They also hooked me up to a contraction monitor and found that I was contracting every 2 minutes. The doctor came in about half an hour later and did an ultrasound. The equipment was kind of old, but he saw what looked like a small placental abruption (where the placenta pulled away from my uterus).  He said that he didn't know for sure, that we'd have to look with better equipment in the morning, but that it didn't look bad at all, was very small, and baby was doing well so it probably wasn't as serious as it could be. They then gave me a shot of brethine to stop the contractions (evil, evil medicine.  It stopped the contractions but I didn't react well to it and the side effects were horrible) and a steroid shot for Eli's lungs.  I also got the first of 3 huge bags of fluids and the first of 3 bags of antibiotics.  He also put me on strict bed rest for the next 24 hours (bed pans are not fun).  My contractions stopped and I was still bleeding, but it wasn't new blood from what they could tell, which was a very good thing.  Eli continued to do well and I probably managed to get a few hours of sleep.

The next day the bleeding (all old blood by now) continued to taper off.  While being monitored, they found that I was still contracting every 3 to 7 minutes, so I got another shot of brethine.  They did another ultrasound to look for the source of the bleed and a biophysical profile to make sure that Eli was still doing well.  The ultrasound turned out really well.  Baby is already 4lbs 12oz, measuring a week to two weeks ahead, and doing things that they don't expect to see a baby his age doing.  They also were unable to find the source of the bleed.  They're not sure if the old ultrasound equipment malfunctioned or if it was such a small tear that it repaired itself.  But for right now, the placenta is still attached to my uterus! Yay!  They lifted the strict bed rest provisions and gave me bathroom privileges as soon as the contractions stopped.  I still needed another steroid shot, so they kept me over night to give me the shot and to monitor me.  And then they set me free the next day!

I am still on bed rest, and I most likely will be for the duration of the pregnancy.  Each week I will go to see my doctor as well as go to the hospital to have Eli and my contractions monitored.  I'm still contracting, but they aren't close enough together at the moment to be a cause for concern. And still no more bleeding!!!! So with the way things look now, we should be able to keep him cooking until November at least.  That is the goal anyway.

Less than 100 days to go!

I figured since I was up at an ungodly hour, I would write a blog post.  I am 26 weeks today, which means that the 3rd trimester is swiftly approaching. Depending on who you ask, the 3rd trimester begins at either 27 or 28 weeks.  Which means I am a week or two away from being in the home stretch!  Sometimes it still seems surreal that we have made it this far, but I am so very grateful!  I can't wait to meet our little turkey in December!

I am also assuming that this pregnancy induced insomnia is preparing me for feeding said turkey in December.  Before I got pregnant, I had absolutely no trouble sleeping.  I could sleep any time and any place.  Now sleeping is a pain in the arse.  I can't get comfortable.  I have to pee 2 billion times a night.  I have wretched heartburn.  I'm itchy. And the most fun reason of all for not sleeping, is for absolutely no reason at all! The jerk faces my husband works for decided to call him at 4:30 this morning to see if he could come into work today.  One would think that they could have called him last night, considering it was well known that they would be understaffed today.  But no.  They wait until 4:30 in the freaking morning to call. So of course the phone ringing wakes me up, and try as I might, I am unable to fall back asleep.  And as I'm laying there trying to force myself back to sleep, all I can think is that if they do this when the baby is here, I'm going to kill someone.  He will be sleeping in a bassinet in our room, so their calling at horrible hours will definitely wake him up.  And then, as previously stated, I will have to kill someone.

Unfortunately it also seems that my nausea and motion sickness issues are coming back. It is definitely not as bad as it was the first trimester, but  I am totally not happy that I'm having issues again, period.  I think that part of it has to do with the fact that my stomach has been squished and is now hanging out with my lungs. I've tried to eat smaller portions, but I don't think I'm doing a good job.  I eat until I feel full, but by the time I feel full, I've eaten too much.  And then I'm miserable for hours after.  So if anyone has any suggestions on learning when I need to stop, you would be my hero!!

And speaking of eating and being miserable, I am starving now!  Would it be wrong to go force my husband to get up and take me to get Panera for breakfast?  I mean, it is 7am.  And it is kind of his fault I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep in the first place.  If I can't sleep, he shouldn't be able to either.  Right?

We're (more than) halfway there!!! Woot!!!

So, ladies and gentlemen, we are 21 weeks today!  We had our big anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday, and as we were told at an impromptu 16 week ultrasound, Baby Swann is definitely a boy!!! They said everything looks great, and we saw all 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as his little heart just pumping away. He is definitely  already a little stinker though, and would not allow them to get any good profile shots of him. (She tried though. I'm surprised I don't have the bruises on my side to prove it!)  He is also super active (as I can feel), and she had to chase him around with the ultrasound wand to get the measurements she needed. I really wish she could have gotten some better face pics, but I think we are still planning on doing a 3D ultrasound in a few weeks, so we should get to see him really well then (hopefully)!

I know I've been really bad about updating my blog, so I'll go ahead and fill you guys in on the pregnancy happenings.  This first thing that I will say is that the second trimester is WAY WAY better than the first. Apparently  the pregnancy gods decided to take, "I will never complain about my symptoms.  I will be so happy to get any and every symptom and will be grateful when I'm throwing up." at face value and threw all the first trimester horribleness they could at me. To say that I was a huge ball of useless, pregnant misery is probably an understatement.  But I survived, and the symptoms (as totally not fun as they were) helped to keep me sane from appointment to appointment. As in, "I still feel like death? Great!!! That means my little jumping bean is still fighting the good fight!" And as far as the second tri goes, for the most part, the nausea has dissipated. I had several days and a good week that the nausea and motion sickness came back with a vengeance, and made me wonder if it would ever really stop before the baby came. There are still certain triggers (that my dear sweet husband loves exploiting) that will make me gag or throw up in my mouth a little. And if I let the heartburn get out of control, well that causes some voming too.  My hips and lower back ache pretty much constantly, and I'm kind of terrified at how much they are going to hurt during the third tri.

But pregnancy has been pretty amazing too.  Hearing the heartbeat for the first time?  It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life.  Its hard to explain exactly how it felt to hear that sound. There was so much relief, and hope, and reassurance and love that overwhelmed me. It was amazing the first time I realized I could feel him moving.  To know that the little life inside of me is still going strong. To feel more and more movement and to feel those movements getting stronger and stronger. And then getting to see him on the ultrasound. Getting to watch him swim around.  Seeing his little heart beating. Counting all of his little fingers and toes. Witnessing how active he is and what a little stinker he can already be. Knowing that in about 4 months I will get to meet this amazing little person who I love so much already. None of the bad matters. It is all worth it. All the pain and heartbreak and longing of the last 3 years. All the physical unpleasantness of the first trimester. The inevitable unpleasantness of the third trimester and childbirth that is to come. None of it compares to the beauty of who I am going to give birth to and parent. He is worth all of it and so much more.

And now that I've made myself cry, here are some belly pics for those of you on Facebook and IRL that have been requesting them:

Here I am at 14 weeks:

And at almost 17 weeks:

And at 21 weeks:

As soon as we get some good ultrasound pics of him, I'll share those too!

Making it Facebook Official

So, I have some big big news! (Well, maybe not big for those of you who have been reading along without me posting to Facebook.) We are pregnant and will officially be in the second trimester TOMORROW!!! I was trying to hold out until tomorrow to tell, but I figured, what is one day anyway?  Especially when some people consider 12 weeks to be an appropriate time to start spilling the beans.  So far everything has been going really well. We saw the baby and heartbeat at 6 and a half weeks.  Then last Wednesday we had another good checkup and got to hear baby's heartbeat.  It was good and strong and made me completely break down.  She/he was moving around and the doctor had to chase her/him around with the doppler.  So we've got a feisty little fighter in there, and I am over the moon!

As far as my pregnancy thus far, I have been eagerly awaiting the second trimester and all its promises of no more morning sickness.  (Morning my ASS.  Lets try all day and night sickness.  Who the hell came up with that phrase anyway?  Had to have been a man.)  It seemed that I was starting to get better last week.  I was bragging to people about how my new medicine worked so much better, and how I felt like a human again, and how I must be one of the lucky ones to get rid of the MS before the first trimester.  And then Sunday happened, and I realize that Baby Swann is a trickster too.  But hey, whatever it takes to keep her/him feisty and fighting and being a trickster is what I will do.  I'm just praying that my body decides this whole morning sickness thing is no longer a necessity.

So here we are, about to begin a trimester we've never been in before.  I'm so excited for what the next 6 months will bring us! I'm dying to meet this new little person we've created.  But not until December!

Just a quick update. We had our first ultrasound today, and so far, we have a healthy little baby in there!  It was very very tiny but had a strong heartbeat that we could see flickering away on the monitor. We are measuring exactly where we are supposed to be and the baby is implanted in a good spot.  So far, so good. And we are just praying it stays that way.  I know we are nowhere out of the woods yet, but I'm going to let the memory of that flickering heartbeat keep me hopeful.

So, I figured it would be good to do a post to try to let off some steam.  I will say that being pregnant after suffering a loss (or losses) is an extremely nerve wracking experience.  I want this to be our baby so badly, but past experience has me terrified.  I broke down crying a couple of nights ago due to a bout of fairly strong cramping. I haven't had any bleeding, and they didn't last long, but they still scared the hell out of me.  I know cramping is normal.  All of my friends have told me they cramped and that the cramps got bad at times.  The NP at the doctor's office told me cramping is normal as long as there is no bleeding.  So many women in the due date group I'm a member of have some cramping, and they are all fine. But for me, cramping in pregnancy = lost little one.  It has never been normal for me. And so any cramping freaks me out.  I'm terrified that we won't make it to our first ultrasound.  I know that worrying about it is not going to make it any better.  At this point there's really nothing else we can do to encourage this one to stay and grow.  So I'm trying to relax and enjoy it.  But its hard to get past the past.

I'm hoping that once Wednesday gets here, I'll be able to relax some.  If our little bean is measuring properly and we are able to see a heartbeat, I will know that all this cramping is completely normal.  But until I see a healthy little embryo, I don't think I'll be able to chill out.  And even after that, we'll have six long weeks until we're out of the first trimester.  I remember being so excited (and clueless) our first pregnancy.  Not a care in the world.  I just assumed that once you get pregnant, you stay that way.  I was going to have a baby in 9 months, wooo!  Of course, I was wrong.  And all of that beautiful pregnancy innocence shattered all around me.  I would really love to have some of it back.

I guess I will just continue to cling desperately to the fact that I feel like complete and utter doggy doo.  Its insane to feel so thankful for every wave of nausea, every bout of ridiculously fiery esophagus, and complete and utter exhaustion.  But I am.  And if I could go ahead and start throwing up already, that would be really awesome.  I feel like I need to all the time anyway.  Just go ahead and do it, body! No one likes to vomit, but vomiting = pregnancy, so I'll take it!  I just want this to be a healthy, happy, sticky baby that we get to take home with us.  And I would do anything at this point to make it happen.

Oh my goodness, you guys. I am so excited!  In two weeks we get to see our little bean!  I got our final betas in today and they were 1070 @ 18dpo.  She set up our ultrasound for April 17th and said everything looks good so no more bloodwork!  My poor veins had about had it, I think.  She really had to coax them into giving her blood for the last draw.  So take heart little vein, our little bean is doing well enough for you to not have to get stuck for the next two weeks!

Now whether I'm going to freak out over not knowing how everything is going over the next two weeks is a different matter all together.  There's this irrational side of me that keeps thinking, "What if the baby stops developing because we stop checking levels?"  Thinking that way is simply insane, I know this.  But knowing that it is crazy and irrational does not help me to stop thinking it.  This pregnancy is progressing much much better than the last two.  My levels had already started spiraling downward by this time last pregnancy.  I feel sicker and more tired.  Everything stinks.  So all the signs are there that this is different, but I still have that deeply ingrained fear that it will turn out the same.

I just have to keep telling myself, and this baby, and the universe, and whoever else is listening that this will be our sticky little take home baby.  That this baby is not allowed to leave my body until December, and when it does, it better plan on sticking around for another 80 or so years.  It will grow up and have babies of its own, darn it!  That is the plan and no one is allowed to deviate from the plan!  That will be my mantra as I navigate these next two beta-less weeks.

*And remember, Facebookers, we are still in hush hush mode!*

Oh, and here's an IF PSA for you!
April is Infertility Awareness Month with National Infertility Awareness Week being April  21st through 27th.  This week can be a great time to open up dialog, spread awareness, and try to remove the taboo that still surrounds infertility.  RESOLVE has a great website specifically for this week with suggestions on sharing information, getting involved, and telling your story. Go to http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html and see what you can do!

My second beta was 154! My levels doubled over 35.18 hours and the average doubling time is 48-72 hours.  So we are doing very well so far!  I had more blood drawn today and will have even more drawn on Wednesday or Thursday.  My doctor is staying on top of things, and I couldn't be happier about it! Keep those fingers and toes crossed for us!

(And remember Facebookers, mums the word!!)

In this situation, secrets do make friends...

Okay, before I start getting into the meat of this post, I must ask you all to do one thing for me.  I want you to put your hand over your heart and solemnly swear to me that you are good at keeping secrets and will keep mine.  Okay?  That means that all of you on Facebook are not allowed to write anything (even vague anythings) pertaining to this on my wall at all.  Absolutely NOTHING.  K??!!

So I have officially missed my period.  The witch should have come today and she did not.  Which is  a very good thing considering I took at pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was positive!!!!!!  Blood work on Wednesday showed that my levels (so far) are really good, and the results from my blood draw on Friday will hopefully show that baby Swann is growing and developing like she/he should be.  All of the tests I've taken have gotten darker, with yesterday's test having the test line being darker than the control line.  So my levels are going up, I'm just hoping and praying that they are going up like they are supposed to.  We are no where close to being out of the woods yet, but so far, I'm having really good feelings about this pregnancy. Not good enough feelings to announce this on Facebook or anything yet (hence the swearing everyone to secrecy), but after having those miscarriages, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be somewhat scared until baby Swann gets here.

I guess this is it for now.  I will post again tomorrow to let everyone know how my second betas look. Please keep your fingers crossed that this baby is totally going to stick, and we'll be able to take him/her home in December!!!

Well, I guess its about time for a "Woe is me" post.  I've been so bipolar the last few days.  Going from ridiculous stupid optimism to bottom of the barrel pessimism.  I have allowed myself to get too hopeful.  I just know that I am in for a horrible terrible let down in a few days.  I don't know why my brain is so insistent on tying pregnancy with my bleeding problems getting better.  I could have some immune or genetic issues that are causing all of my IF and pregnancy loss issues, and cleaning my uterus out isn't going to do a damn bit of good if that is the case.  I think that I was getting better in accepting that we may never be parents, but now there is something new keeping me hopeful.  I don't want to be the bitter angry mess that I was just getting over being (I was seriously PISSED off at the number of infants in Target today, and I haven't had that problem in several months), but I just know that several unsuccessful months are probably going to send me back over the edge.  Part of me really wants to believe that the surgery was what was needed to get us pregnant and keep it that way, but the experienced part of me knows that lots of other things that were supposed to work did not.  So here I am, wildly alternating between believing that a miracle is going to happen and dreading the meltdown when it does not.  Ugh!!  I hate infertility so. damn. much.  Sorry if this post is all over the place.  That's just where my brain is at right now.

I know its been a while since my last post, but honestly, there's really nothing new to report.  Work was REALLY slow for the past couple of weeks (finally picked up today), so I've been obsessively stalking Pinterest all day every day.  I've found lots of great recipes (I love looking at all the food on there), but realized that I've mainly been pinning desserts and alcohol when I went to make a meal plan for the week. And so all we've been eating are desserts and jello shots......Actually, not really.  That would be a great plan if there were no such things as calories.  But there are, so alas, we have to eat nutritious food.

And speaking of calories, exercise classes are still going well.  I've been taking another Zumba class with my fav instructor at Big Dog Running Company.  If you've ever wondered what temperature the 7th layer of hell is, you should come to class.  I feel like I'm going to die by the end of it.  Its like exercising in a really hot sauna.  But the more you sweat, the more you lose.....right??  I missed Zumba today, due to the new work load (and the headache that accompanied it), but belly dance is still happening!

As far as my cycle goes, it seems like my ovulation day has moved.  It used to be cd13 (cycle day 13) about 98% of the time, but now its moved to cd14.  I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.  So now I'm almost a week into the dreaded TWW (two week wait: the two weeks in your cycle where you wait, and wait, and wait some more.  Each day closer to the test date brings a new level of anticipation/anxiety. The need to pee on sticks becomes overwhelming).  And even though I know I should be more cautious about my optimism, I'm feeling so hopeful this cycle.  The bleeding with exercise has stopped, so of course I'm convinced that all the other problems (whatever the hell they are, stupid unexplained infertility) are cured as well.  In my crackhead brain, no more bleeding problems = BFP and a sticky little baby.  Please let my crackhead brain be right....

Yep.  I cut my hair.  And it was about time.  I restrained myself all last summer.  My hair was so pretty and long and shiny.  And then it started getting annoying.  I would get it caught under my armpits.  I would get it caught under me or Mark or both myself and Mark while I was sleeping.  It was constantly getting in my mouth, in my food, just generally in my way.  So it finally got to be too much, and I decided to get it cut.  Of course the day before getting it cut, I started feeling remorse.  Its so long...and pretty...and shiny.  Maybe I'll just get a trim, I thought.  And then I got it stuck in the car door.  That was the final straw.  So now it is gone and no longer getting stuck in my armpits in Zumba or anywhere else for that matter.

Speaking of Zumba, I went back yesterday.  I was able to hang in there longer than I thought and probably pushed myself a little too hard.  I could definitely tell its been about a month and a surgery since I was last there.  I am going again tonight, and hopefully, I'll be able to do a tad bit better than yesterday.  The good news is that when I did start cramping I was able to take a time out, drink some water, and make the bitches go away.  Normally once they start, there is no getting rid of them.  I also did not bleed at all.  So this is very good news.  Hopefully this trend will continue, and I'll be able to exercise like a normal person once I'm back to 100%.  Which means I WILL be ready for the certification class in July.  And I'm psyched!

So now that I am able to exercise like a normal person (FX it stays this way), it gives me a little more hope in the TTC department.  Maybe the D&C cleared everything out, reset everything, and was what I needed to have a successful pregnancy.  I'm hopeful (maybe a little more than I should be) but also trying to stay realistic.  If this really did reset everything, then its kind of like starting over again.  And it can take up to a year for a healthy couple to conceive.  So if I don't get pregnant right away, I don't need to be upset. Because it can take a year.  And this will be the mantra I will repeat to myself if it doesn't happen.  No need to get upset yet, it can take a year.

And now for your IFPSA of the day.  There are actually a few things I'm thinking about,  and they all came from one thread on the Fertility Friend message boards. So first and foremost, I know I jokingly called myself a bitter infertile in my first post.  Let me make it VERY clear, that the only person allowed to call any woman who struggles with infertility bitter, is the person struggling with infertility.  And the thread that made me want to share that little side of information, was a thread about a woman who claims she got pregnant because she relaxed.  Now the crazy thing about her relaxing is that she wasn't relaxed at all.  She was temping, doing opks, using a fertility monitor, and checking her saliva for ferning.  But just because she had a glass of wine and "lived a little" she's magically relaxing.  (Oh, I should mention that this was the first month she timed sex correctly in the whole 6 months that she was trying) And if this wasn't annoying enough she decides to add " So please, maybe just try living for one whole month and see if that make a difference.   Buckets of Relaxed Baby dust to you all ".  I know I have said it before, and I will say it again.  DO NOT TELL AN INFERTILE PERSON TO RELAX.  Hearing this actually causes us to stress out.  If relaxing were the cure, I would have gotten pregnant (and stayed that way) the first year we were trying.  (We did get pregnant the first month we tried, but miscarried.  This was after being off of birth control for 2 years without a single oops.)  I knew it could take up to a year, so I didn't worry about it.  Yes, I temped and timed sex during my fertile time.  But I was confident it would happen, so I didn't stress about it.  After the first year came to a close, I started to worry.  I went to my doctor, and she put me on Clomid even though I was ovulating (ladies, get tests done first.  Don't let your doc prescribe these pills like they are candy without having the proper tests done). We did not get pregnant on the Clomid.  So I was even more stressed out and worried.  But then we got pregnant again, even though I was pretty stressed out from the Clomid not working and from my job.  Even though I was not relaxing, we got pregnant.  And then we miscarried again.  Since then we've taken break cycles where we haven't temped, done opks, or even thought about it, in other words we relaxed.  When I quit my job and was a housewife for several months, I was very relaxed.  Still not pregnant.  After I got my hsg done with a new doctor and they unblocked a tube (I had a small blockage in one tube), I just knew it was going to happen so I was relaxed then.  All these times that I was relaxed did not help me get pregnant.  So, in conclusion, relaxing does not help. If it did, there would be a ton of us IF ladies that got pregnant during break cycles.  So the moral of this lengthy IFPSA is not to call us bitter and don't tell us to relax.

Its been a while since my last post.  I really haven't been up to too much.  Just working and chilling out at home with Mark.  I've been reading 11/23/63 by Stephen King and have really been enjoying it so far.  Its primarily about time travel and changing the past/future.  So when I'm not reading it, I'm contemplating the consequences of time travel and attempting to change the past if it were possible.  Which I'm sure has contributed to the crazy dreams I've been having. I mean seriously, who has to take a train to get to the end of Debardelaben Street?  And why did my shoes keep getting filled with water?  Not to mention the dream about being at a boarding school that forced me to sell beer when I wasn't in class.  Crazy dreams.  And I'm blaming them on Stephen King.
I had my post-op appointment today.  She said everything looks good and seemed optimistic about our pregnancy chances.  I'm still trying not to get my hopes up.  Everything else that was supposed to help has not, so I don't see why this is any different.  Of course, I will inevitably get my hopes up, and be crushed. But at least I know its going to happen.  At least I can remind myself (as I'm sobbing over AF coming when I was so sure that this was our month) that I did know that hoping was going to lead to hysterics.   And yes, I do realize how pessimistic I'm being, but after 33 cycles of nothing but BFNs and a couple of miscarriages its really hard to remain positive.  Maybe the universe will prove me wrong.  We shall see.....
And now to the craziness that was my weekend.  It all started Friday.  I have been working from home, but had to run to the office to get some patient information out of their computer system.  I decided to wait until about 12:15 when I knew everyone should be out of the office for lunch so that no one would bother me and I could get the info and get out.  So I get to the office, walk up to the door, and what do I see?  EVERYONE that works in the office having a meeting.  When they're all supposed to be at lunch.  Awesome.  So I try to sneak in, but of course everyone stops to stare at me as I interrupt their meeting.  Luckily everyone went to lunch after it was over, so I was able to get in and out without much interruption.  And then every "SERIOUSLY??!" situation that could happen did.  Sock monkey baby stuff has been EVERYWHERE.  I've seen more pregnant people and infants (one that was maybe 6 weeks old in a bar no less) this weekend and today than I did all of last month.  I had to sit and listen to some trashy (sorry, I know its mean and I shouldn't judge, but damn) pregnant girl talk about her belly, unborn child, baby gear, and hospital plans to her mother for the entire hour I waited for my appointment today.  And the icing on the whole fucked up cake was the 3 nature shows we watched yesterday that prominently featured a meerkat who miscarried her litter, an African wild dog whose pups were tortured by the dominant female's pups (but survived somehow), a lion pack that was unable to have a successful litter of cubs for something like 6 years, and a mother hippo who tried so hard to keep her calf safe but it ended up dying anyway.  Yeah.  Lovely.  I get the message universe.  Screw you too.  Each of these things will inevitably happen every once in a while, but back to back to back???  Really?  Ugh.  Come on.
Anyhow.  Before this turns into a novel, I will leave you with your IFPSA of the day:
If you have a friend who is suffering from infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, please do not tell them to "JUST" adopt or get a surrogate.  For one there is no "JUST" in an adoption or surrogacy.  Both are fairly expensive and involved.  Being matched with a surrogate or adoptive child can take years.  Depending on the route you go through with adoption, there are numerous hoops to jump through before an agency will even consider placing a child with you, and then you have to wait for a birth mother to pick your family.  Even after you are matched with a potential adoptive child, there is still the chance that the mother can change her mind and keep her baby.  So again, there is no way to "JUST" adopt.  And for many women, the need to carry a child or have a child that is biologically hers and her husbands is very strong.  Of course she will be able to love a child that she does not carry or does not share her genes, but her dream is to have a child of her own.  And every time you tell her to "JUST" adopt, it validates her fear that she will never be able to attain this dream.  So, if these are options you would like to suggest, a better way to bring it up would be to ask if she's considered adoption or surrogacy (even this is iffy for some women.  I do not mind being asked this question, but other women I have spoken with get deeply offended by it.) and then do not bring it up again unless she does.