Fibromyalgia is a b*ch and then you die.

Can I take a moment to moan and groan and bitch about my fibromyalgia? It's been a bad day.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am sick. Nasty cough, runny nose, angry sinuses, the works. Now, for a normal person, having a cold is unpleasant. But my body seems to think I actually have the flu. Every joint and bone and muscle from my hips down are in achy, miserable agony. My back and arms are also feeling fairly terrible, but at least they're not as bad as the legs. I know I don't have the flu, as I don't have a fever or the chills. I just have a stupid body with stupid overactive nerves that react stupidly to various stimuli. And being sick is one such stimuli.

To complicate matters, another fibromyalgia triggering stimuli for me is weather change. Especially cold or wet weather. And it is stupidly cold. We are in Alabama. It should not be in the 20s and 30s outside. I need to move to the desert. Somewhere hot and dry sounds amazing at the moment. 

Because honestly, I'm having a hard time dealing. I'm not sure what I did in this or a past life to deserve this; but I'm really really sorry, and I won't do it again. Most days, the pain is manageable with a few tricks such as avoiding gluten like the plague. But on days like this, with my whole body just being a big ol' ball of pain, I have to do the whole whiny 'Why me?' bit. I just wanna eat a cupcake or something, but that would just make it worse. And so I just wrap myself up in any heated blanket, throw, pad I have available and try to remember that it's not always like this.
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And just when I thought my day was already sucking enough, I go into the kitchen to get something for Eli and hear water gushing from the laundry room. Couldn't get anything to turn off, couldn't get ahold of anyone to help me turn it off. I'm really winning at this adulting thing today. Like, how is it possible that I don't know how to turn off the water from the road? How the crap is it that I can turn the water off to the whole house from under the kitchen sink, yet the water to the laundry room won't turn off? The first answer is: I've depended on my male friends and family to save my ass, and that seriously needs to change. I'm going to get Mark to show me how to take care of basic catastrophic shit. The answer to the second question is that this house was just pieced together (and not well, may I add) and it's stupid and I hate it.

Anywhoo.  Luckily Mark was able to come home early and save the day. I'm now back in the comfort of my heated throw, appreciating that it could indeed be worse. Instant karma at its finest.

Long time, no write

Well, it's been 4 years since I've updated this blog. Infancy and toddler-hood is very time consuming and extremely worth it. I also developed fibromyalgia shortly after Eli's first birthday, and that's a whole different set of challenges and issues. So between the baby/sleep deprivation brain fog and the fibro (brain) fog, I haven't really been feeling the struggle that is writing. It is a lot easier to read other people's stories than it is to write your own. But I have resolved to fight through the fog and try to write everyday. Some days it will be this blog, some days it will be a story that I've been working on forever, and some days it will just be me writing down some ramblings that popped into my head. I'm hoping that by writing daily, I'll again become comfortable enough to apply for freelance writing jobs and work on my stupid book idea.

This is a quick entry, as it is New Year's Day, I have an extremely noisy child, and I'm sick. Concentration isn't really an option at the moment, but I felt that skipping writing today wouldn't set a very good precedence for my new year's resolution. And with that, I'll leave you. Enjoy your holiday, and there will be more writing to come.

We made it to 36 weeks!

I can't believe it's been a month since our bleeding/contraction scare.  I can remember being anxious to make it to 34 weeks, and now we're just a week away from delivering early term if the little turkey decides he can't wait any longer!  There haven't been anymore bleeding scares, but I'm still having trouble controlling the contractions.  At last week's monitoring appointment, we were there for 3 hours trying to get the contractions to go away.  They finally let me go home after the contractions spaced out enough for them to feel comfortable discharging me, but they never did go away completely.  I'm also still having trouble realizing that they are happening, and that trouble isn't just for the little contractions.  Apparently I had a nice big one lasting a minute and had no idea that it was happening. I'm hoping that my inability to recognize them will correlate to an easier labor and less pain, as I am planning to try to give birth without an epidural. But even though my uterus is all angry (why should I have expected it to behave any differently once I actually got and stayed pregnant?), our baby boy has always looked great and is thriving. So as long as he is still doing well, I can't complain too much.  I do not think that we will make it to our due date, but we are far enough along now that I won't freak out too badly if he decides it's go time.

I am still on bed rest, but I have been given the freedom to alternate between the bed and the recliner in the living room.  She also gave me permission to get my own snacks and make my own lunch, so long as I'm not on my feet for very long or moving around too much.  I'm still not allowed to do anything else such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc., but the little bit of freedom that I am allowed has made being on bed rest much much easier.  I'm hoping that once I reach 37 weeks, she'll give me even more freedom and allow me to do light cleaning or go for short walks.  I think the bleeding was the main cause for the bed rest order, so I'm not sure if she'll actually allow me to do some of that stuff or not. It won't hurt to ask, so ask I shall!

I hate sitting here doing nothing all day when there is still so much that needs to be done for his arrival, but I really have no choice.  I have been ordering some essentials that we need for him, since we won't be able to have a baby shower until after he gets here. I've also ordered the rest of what we need for the hospital bag and have a list made up of what needs to go in it, so that Mark can put the bag together. I'd really like to be able to do more, but at least it's something.

And so now, we wait.  We have 7 days until term and 28 days until his due date!  It won't be long!

Who's on bed rest? This girl. Yay...

So, It's been a while since I've done a blog post.  Everything had been going along like normal.  There was nothing really to report other than feeling frequent movements, getting uncomfortable, etc. so I didn't really feel the need to update.  Well, now there is something to report, and it's definitely not great news.  Eli and I are now confined to the bed for the duration of the pregnancy.  We had a really scary weekend, and I am just thankful that my little turkey is still cooking!

I had been feeling a bit strange Thursday, pretty worn out and a little sore, but I attributed that to the fact that I had cleaned my bathroom.  I just thought it wore me out since I'm getting so much bigger.  Mark got home from work and we were chilling on the couch when I felt this huge gush of fluid.  TMI maybe, but it felt like I peed myself, and I knew I didn't.  I jumped up off the couch and headed to the bathroom where I found it was not in fact pee, it was blood.  A lot of blood.  So I calmly yelled, "We have to go to the hospital. Now." down the hall to Mark and off we went.  We got to the ER after what felt like forever (I swear, every single light turned red when we got to it and stayed that way), and they rushed me up to l&d. They tried to get a urine sample, but unfortunately I was still bleeding way too much.  They hooked me up to the monitor, and they were able to find his heartbeat fairly quickly.  It was really strong, which meant that he was still doing well.  They also hooked me up to a contraction monitor and found that I was contracting every 2 minutes. The doctor came in about half an hour later and did an ultrasound. The equipment was kind of old, but he saw what looked like a small placental abruption (where the placenta pulled away from my uterus).  He said that he didn't know for sure, that we'd have to look with better equipment in the morning, but that it didn't look bad at all, was very small, and baby was doing well so it probably wasn't as serious as it could be. They then gave me a shot of brethine to stop the contractions (evil, evil medicine.  It stopped the contractions but I didn't react well to it and the side effects were horrible) and a steroid shot for Eli's lungs.  I also got the first of 3 huge bags of fluids and the first of 3 bags of antibiotics.  He also put me on strict bed rest for the next 24 hours (bed pans are not fun).  My contractions stopped and I was still bleeding, but it wasn't new blood from what they could tell, which was a very good thing.  Eli continued to do well and I probably managed to get a few hours of sleep.

The next day the bleeding (all old blood by now) continued to taper off.  While being monitored, they found that I was still contracting every 3 to 7 minutes, so I got another shot of brethine.  They did another ultrasound to look for the source of the bleed and a biophysical profile to make sure that Eli was still doing well.  The ultrasound turned out really well.  Baby is already 4lbs 12oz, measuring a week to two weeks ahead, and doing things that they don't expect to see a baby his age doing.  They also were unable to find the source of the bleed.  They're not sure if the old ultrasound equipment malfunctioned or if it was such a small tear that it repaired itself.  But for right now, the placenta is still attached to my uterus! Yay!  They lifted the strict bed rest provisions and gave me bathroom privileges as soon as the contractions stopped.  I still needed another steroid shot, so they kept me over night to give me the shot and to monitor me.  And then they set me free the next day!

I am still on bed rest, and I most likely will be for the duration of the pregnancy.  Each week I will go to see my doctor as well as go to the hospital to have Eli and my contractions monitored.  I'm still contracting, but they aren't close enough together at the moment to be a cause for concern. And still no more bleeding!!!! So with the way things look now, we should be able to keep him cooking until November at least.  That is the goal anyway.

Less than 100 days to go!

I figured since I was up at an ungodly hour, I would write a blog post.  I am 26 weeks today, which means that the 3rd trimester is swiftly approaching. Depending on who you ask, the 3rd trimester begins at either 27 or 28 weeks.  Which means I am a week or two away from being in the home stretch!  Sometimes it still seems surreal that we have made it this far, but I am so very grateful!  I can't wait to meet our little turkey in December!

I am also assuming that this pregnancy induced insomnia is preparing me for feeding said turkey in December.  Before I got pregnant, I had absolutely no trouble sleeping.  I could sleep any time and any place.  Now sleeping is a pain in the arse.  I can't get comfortable.  I have to pee 2 billion times a night.  I have wretched heartburn.  I'm itchy. And the most fun reason of all for not sleeping, is for absolutely no reason at all! The jerk faces my husband works for decided to call him at 4:30 this morning to see if he could come into work today.  One would think that they could have called him last night, considering it was well known that they would be understaffed today.  But no.  They wait until 4:30 in the freaking morning to call. So of course the phone ringing wakes me up, and try as I might, I am unable to fall back asleep.  And as I'm laying there trying to force myself back to sleep, all I can think is that if they do this when the baby is here, I'm going to kill someone.  He will be sleeping in a bassinet in our room, so their calling at horrible hours will definitely wake him up.  And then, as previously stated, I will have to kill someone.

Unfortunately it also seems that my nausea and motion sickness issues are coming back. It is definitely not as bad as it was the first trimester, but  I am totally not happy that I'm having issues again, period.  I think that part of it has to do with the fact that my stomach has been squished and is now hanging out with my lungs. I've tried to eat smaller portions, but I don't think I'm doing a good job.  I eat until I feel full, but by the time I feel full, I've eaten too much.  And then I'm miserable for hours after.  So if anyone has any suggestions on learning when I need to stop, you would be my hero!!

And speaking of eating and being miserable, I am starving now!  Would it be wrong to go force my husband to get up and take me to get Panera for breakfast?  I mean, it is 7am.  And it is kind of his fault I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep in the first place.  If I can't sleep, he shouldn't be able to either.  Right?

We're (more than) halfway there!!! Woot!!!

So, ladies and gentlemen, we are 21 weeks today!  We had our big anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday, and as we were told at an impromptu 16 week ultrasound, Baby Swann is definitely a boy!!! They said everything looks great, and we saw all 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as his little heart just pumping away. He is definitely  already a little stinker though, and would not allow them to get any good profile shots of him. (She tried though. I'm surprised I don't have the bruises on my side to prove it!)  He is also super active (as I can feel), and she had to chase him around with the ultrasound wand to get the measurements she needed. I really wish she could have gotten some better face pics, but I think we are still planning on doing a 3D ultrasound in a few weeks, so we should get to see him really well then (hopefully)!

I know I've been really bad about updating my blog, so I'll go ahead and fill you guys in on the pregnancy happenings.  This first thing that I will say is that the second trimester is WAY WAY better than the first. Apparently  the pregnancy gods decided to take, "I will never complain about my symptoms.  I will be so happy to get any and every symptom and will be grateful when I'm throwing up." at face value and threw all the first trimester horribleness they could at me. To say that I was a huge ball of useless, pregnant misery is probably an understatement.  But I survived, and the symptoms (as totally not fun as they were) helped to keep me sane from appointment to appointment. As in, "I still feel like death? Great!!! That means my little jumping bean is still fighting the good fight!" And as far as the second tri goes, for the most part, the nausea has dissipated. I had several days and a good week that the nausea and motion sickness came back with a vengeance, and made me wonder if it would ever really stop before the baby came. There are still certain triggers (that my dear sweet husband loves exploiting) that will make me gag or throw up in my mouth a little. And if I let the heartburn get out of control, well that causes some voming too.  My hips and lower back ache pretty much constantly, and I'm kind of terrified at how much they are going to hurt during the third tri.

But pregnancy has been pretty amazing too.  Hearing the heartbeat for the first time?  It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life.  Its hard to explain exactly how it felt to hear that sound. There was so much relief, and hope, and reassurance and love that overwhelmed me. It was amazing the first time I realized I could feel him moving.  To know that the little life inside of me is still going strong. To feel more and more movement and to feel those movements getting stronger and stronger. And then getting to see him on the ultrasound. Getting to watch him swim around.  Seeing his little heart beating. Counting all of his little fingers and toes. Witnessing how active he is and what a little stinker he can already be. Knowing that in about 4 months I will get to meet this amazing little person who I love so much already. None of the bad matters. It is all worth it. All the pain and heartbreak and longing of the last 3 years. All the physical unpleasantness of the first trimester. The inevitable unpleasantness of the third trimester and childbirth that is to come. None of it compares to the beauty of who I am going to give birth to and parent. He is worth all of it and so much more.

And now that I've made myself cry, here are some belly pics for those of you on Facebook and IRL that have been requesting them:

Here I am at 14 weeks:

And at almost 17 weeks:

And at 21 weeks:

As soon as we get some good ultrasound pics of him, I'll share those too!

Making it Facebook Official

So, I have some big big news! (Well, maybe not big for those of you who have been reading along without me posting to Facebook.) We are pregnant and will officially be in the second trimester TOMORROW!!! I was trying to hold out until tomorrow to tell, but I figured, what is one day anyway?  Especially when some people consider 12 weeks to be an appropriate time to start spilling the beans.  So far everything has been going really well. We saw the baby and heartbeat at 6 and a half weeks.  Then last Wednesday we had another good checkup and got to hear baby's heartbeat.  It was good and strong and made me completely break down.  She/he was moving around and the doctor had to chase her/him around with the doppler.  So we've got a feisty little fighter in there, and I am over the moon!

As far as my pregnancy thus far, I have been eagerly awaiting the second trimester and all its promises of no more morning sickness.  (Morning my ASS.  Lets try all day and night sickness.  Who the hell came up with that phrase anyway?  Had to have been a man.)  It seemed that I was starting to get better last week.  I was bragging to people about how my new medicine worked so much better, and how I felt like a human again, and how I must be one of the lucky ones to get rid of the MS before the first trimester.  And then Sunday happened, and I realize that Baby Swann is a trickster too.  But hey, whatever it takes to keep her/him feisty and fighting and being a trickster is what I will do.  I'm just praying that my body decides this whole morning sickness thing is no longer a necessity.

So here we are, about to begin a trimester we've never been in before.  I'm so excited for what the next 6 months will bring us! I'm dying to meet this new little person we've created.  But not until December!