We're (more than) halfway there!!! Woot!!!

So, ladies and gentlemen, we are 21 weeks today!  We had our big anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday, and as we were told at an impromptu 16 week ultrasound, Baby Swann is definitely a boy!!! They said everything looks great, and we saw all 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as his little heart just pumping away. He is definitely  already a little stinker though, and would not allow them to get any good profile shots of him. (She tried though. I'm surprised I don't have the bruises on my side to prove it!)  He is also super active (as I can feel), and she had to chase him around with the ultrasound wand to get the measurements she needed. I really wish she could have gotten some better face pics, but I think we are still planning on doing a 3D ultrasound in a few weeks, so we should get to see him really well then (hopefully)!

I know I've been really bad about updating my blog, so I'll go ahead and fill you guys in on the pregnancy happenings.  This first thing that I will say is that the second trimester is WAY WAY better than the first. Apparently  the pregnancy gods decided to take, "I will never complain about my symptoms.  I will be so happy to get any and every symptom and will be grateful when I'm throwing up." at face value and threw all the first trimester horribleness they could at me. To say that I was a huge ball of useless, pregnant misery is probably an understatement.  But I survived, and the symptoms (as totally not fun as they were) helped to keep me sane from appointment to appointment. As in, "I still feel like death? Great!!! That means my little jumping bean is still fighting the good fight!" And as far as the second tri goes, for the most part, the nausea has dissipated. I had several days and a good week that the nausea and motion sickness came back with a vengeance, and made me wonder if it would ever really stop before the baby came. There are still certain triggers (that my dear sweet husband loves exploiting) that will make me gag or throw up in my mouth a little. And if I let the heartburn get out of control, well that causes some voming too.  My hips and lower back ache pretty much constantly, and I'm kind of terrified at how much they are going to hurt during the third tri.

But pregnancy has been pretty amazing too.  Hearing the heartbeat for the first time?  It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life.  Its hard to explain exactly how it felt to hear that sound. There was so much relief, and hope, and reassurance and love that overwhelmed me. It was amazing the first time I realized I could feel him moving.  To know that the little life inside of me is still going strong. To feel more and more movement and to feel those movements getting stronger and stronger. And then getting to see him on the ultrasound. Getting to watch him swim around.  Seeing his little heart beating. Counting all of his little fingers and toes. Witnessing how active he is and what a little stinker he can already be. Knowing that in about 4 months I will get to meet this amazing little person who I love so much already. None of the bad matters. It is all worth it. All the pain and heartbreak and longing of the last 3 years. All the physical unpleasantness of the first trimester. The inevitable unpleasantness of the third trimester and childbirth that is to come. None of it compares to the beauty of who I am going to give birth to and parent. He is worth all of it and so much more.

And now that I've made myself cry, here are some belly pics for those of you on Facebook and IRL that have been requesting them:

Here I am at 14 weeks:

And at almost 17 weeks:

And at 21 weeks:

As soon as we get some good ultrasound pics of him, I'll share those too!

Making it Facebook Official

So, I have some big big news! (Well, maybe not big for those of you who have been reading along without me posting to Facebook.) We are pregnant and will officially be in the second trimester TOMORROW!!! I was trying to hold out until tomorrow to tell, but I figured, what is one day anyway?  Especially when some people consider 12 weeks to be an appropriate time to start spilling the beans.  So far everything has been going really well. We saw the baby and heartbeat at 6 and a half weeks.  Then last Wednesday we had another good checkup and got to hear baby's heartbeat.  It was good and strong and made me completely break down.  She/he was moving around and the doctor had to chase her/him around with the doppler.  So we've got a feisty little fighter in there, and I am over the moon!

As far as my pregnancy thus far, I have been eagerly awaiting the second trimester and all its promises of no more morning sickness.  (Morning my ASS.  Lets try all day and night sickness.  Who the hell came up with that phrase anyway?  Had to have been a man.)  It seemed that I was starting to get better last week.  I was bragging to people about how my new medicine worked so much better, and how I felt like a human again, and how I must be one of the lucky ones to get rid of the MS before the first trimester.  And then Sunday happened, and I realize that Baby Swann is a trickster too.  But hey, whatever it takes to keep her/him feisty and fighting and being a trickster is what I will do.  I'm just praying that my body decides this whole morning sickness thing is no longer a necessity.

So here we are, about to begin a trimester we've never been in before.  I'm so excited for what the next 6 months will bring us! I'm dying to meet this new little person we've created.  But not until December!

Just a quick update. We had our first ultrasound today, and so far, we have a healthy little baby in there!  It was very very tiny but had a strong heartbeat that we could see flickering away on the monitor. We are measuring exactly where we are supposed to be and the baby is implanted in a good spot.  So far, so good. And we are just praying it stays that way.  I know we are nowhere out of the woods yet, but I'm going to let the memory of that flickering heartbeat keep me hopeful.

So, I figured it would be good to do a post to try to let off some steam.  I will say that being pregnant after suffering a loss (or losses) is an extremely nerve wracking experience.  I want this to be our baby so badly, but past experience has me terrified.  I broke down crying a couple of nights ago due to a bout of fairly strong cramping. I haven't had any bleeding, and they didn't last long, but they still scared the hell out of me.  I know cramping is normal.  All of my friends have told me they cramped and that the cramps got bad at times.  The NP at the doctor's office told me cramping is normal as long as there is no bleeding.  So many women in the due date group I'm a member of have some cramping, and they are all fine. But for me, cramping in pregnancy = lost little one.  It has never been normal for me. And so any cramping freaks me out.  I'm terrified that we won't make it to our first ultrasound.  I know that worrying about it is not going to make it any better.  At this point there's really nothing else we can do to encourage this one to stay and grow.  So I'm trying to relax and enjoy it.  But its hard to get past the past.

I'm hoping that once Wednesday gets here, I'll be able to relax some.  If our little bean is measuring properly and we are able to see a heartbeat, I will know that all this cramping is completely normal.  But until I see a healthy little embryo, I don't think I'll be able to chill out.  And even after that, we'll have six long weeks until we're out of the first trimester.  I remember being so excited (and clueless) our first pregnancy.  Not a care in the world.  I just assumed that once you get pregnant, you stay that way.  I was going to have a baby in 9 months, wooo!  Of course, I was wrong.  And all of that beautiful pregnancy innocence shattered all around me.  I would really love to have some of it back.

I guess I will just continue to cling desperately to the fact that I feel like complete and utter doggy doo.  Its insane to feel so thankful for every wave of nausea, every bout of ridiculously fiery esophagus, and complete and utter exhaustion.  But I am.  And if I could go ahead and start throwing up already, that would be really awesome.  I feel like I need to all the time anyway.  Just go ahead and do it, body! No one likes to vomit, but vomiting = pregnancy, so I'll take it!  I just want this to be a healthy, happy, sticky baby that we get to take home with us.  And I would do anything at this point to make it happen.

Oh my goodness, you guys. I am so excited!  In two weeks we get to see our little bean!  I got our final betas in today and they were 1070 @ 18dpo.  She set up our ultrasound for April 17th and said everything looks good so no more bloodwork!  My poor veins had about had it, I think.  She really had to coax them into giving her blood for the last draw.  So take heart little vein, our little bean is doing well enough for you to not have to get stuck for the next two weeks!

Now whether I'm going to freak out over not knowing how everything is going over the next two weeks is a different matter all together.  There's this irrational side of me that keeps thinking, "What if the baby stops developing because we stop checking levels?"  Thinking that way is simply insane, I know this.  But knowing that it is crazy and irrational does not help me to stop thinking it.  This pregnancy is progressing much much better than the last two.  My levels had already started spiraling downward by this time last pregnancy.  I feel sicker and more tired.  Everything stinks.  So all the signs are there that this is different, but I still have that deeply ingrained fear that it will turn out the same.

I just have to keep telling myself, and this baby, and the universe, and whoever else is listening that this will be our sticky little take home baby.  That this baby is not allowed to leave my body until December, and when it does, it better plan on sticking around for another 80 or so years.  It will grow up and have babies of its own, darn it!  That is the plan and no one is allowed to deviate from the plan!  That will be my mantra as I navigate these next two beta-less weeks.

*And remember, Facebookers, we are still in hush hush mode!*

Oh, and here's an IF PSA for you!
April is Infertility Awareness Month with National Infertility Awareness Week being April  21st through 27th.  This week can be a great time to open up dialog, spread awareness, and try to remove the taboo that still surrounds infertility.  RESOLVE has a great website specifically for this week with suggestions on sharing information, getting involved, and telling your story. Go to http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html and see what you can do!

My second beta was 154! My levels doubled over 35.18 hours and the average doubling time is 48-72 hours.  So we are doing very well so far!  I had more blood drawn today and will have even more drawn on Wednesday or Thursday.  My doctor is staying on top of things, and I couldn't be happier about it! Keep those fingers and toes crossed for us!

(And remember Facebookers, mums the word!!)

In this situation, secrets do make friends...

Okay, before I start getting into the meat of this post, I must ask you all to do one thing for me.  I want you to put your hand over your heart and solemnly swear to me that you are good at keeping secrets and will keep mine.  Okay?  That means that all of you on Facebook are not allowed to write anything (even vague anythings) pertaining to this on my wall at all.  Absolutely NOTHING.  K??!!

So I have officially missed my period.  The witch should have come today and she did not.  Which is  a very good thing considering I took at pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was positive!!!!!!  Blood work on Wednesday showed that my levels (so far) are really good, and the results from my blood draw on Friday will hopefully show that baby Swann is growing and developing like she/he should be.  All of the tests I've taken have gotten darker, with yesterday's test having the test line being darker than the control line.  So my levels are going up, I'm just hoping and praying that they are going up like they are supposed to.  We are no where close to being out of the woods yet, but so far, I'm having really good feelings about this pregnancy. Not good enough feelings to announce this on Facebook or anything yet (hence the swearing everyone to secrecy), but after having those miscarriages, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be somewhat scared until baby Swann gets here.

I guess this is it for now.  I will post again tomorrow to let everyone know how my second betas look. Please keep your fingers crossed that this baby is totally going to stick, and we'll be able to take him/her home in December!!!