In this situation, secrets do make friends...

Okay, before I start getting into the meat of this post, I must ask you all to do one thing for me.  I want you to put your hand over your heart and solemnly swear to me that you are good at keeping secrets and will keep mine.  Okay?  That means that all of you on Facebook are not allowed to write anything (even vague anythings) pertaining to this on my wall at all.  Absolutely NOTHING.  K??!!

So I have officially missed my period.  The witch should have come today and she did not.  Which is  a very good thing considering I took at pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was positive!!!!!!  Blood work on Wednesday showed that my levels (so far) are really good, and the results from my blood draw on Friday will hopefully show that baby Swann is growing and developing like she/he should be.  All of the tests I've taken have gotten darker, with yesterday's test having the test line being darker than the control line.  So my levels are going up, I'm just hoping and praying that they are going up like they are supposed to.  We are no where close to being out of the woods yet, but so far, I'm having really good feelings about this pregnancy. Not good enough feelings to announce this on Facebook or anything yet (hence the swearing everyone to secrecy), but after having those miscarriages, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be somewhat scared until baby Swann gets here.

I guess this is it for now.  I will post again tomorrow to let everyone know how my second betas look. Please keep your fingers crossed that this baby is totally going to stick, and we'll be able to take him/her home in December!!!

Well, I guess its about time for a "Woe is me" post.  I've been so bipolar the last few days.  Going from ridiculous stupid optimism to bottom of the barrel pessimism.  I have allowed myself to get too hopeful.  I just know that I am in for a horrible terrible let down in a few days.  I don't know why my brain is so insistent on tying pregnancy with my bleeding problems getting better.  I could have some immune or genetic issues that are causing all of my IF and pregnancy loss issues, and cleaning my uterus out isn't going to do a damn bit of good if that is the case.  I think that I was getting better in accepting that we may never be parents, but now there is something new keeping me hopeful.  I don't want to be the bitter angry mess that I was just getting over being (I was seriously PISSED off at the number of infants in Target today, and I haven't had that problem in several months), but I just know that several unsuccessful months are probably going to send me back over the edge.  Part of me really wants to believe that the surgery was what was needed to get us pregnant and keep it that way, but the experienced part of me knows that lots of other things that were supposed to work did not.  So here I am, wildly alternating between believing that a miracle is going to happen and dreading the meltdown when it does not.  Ugh!!  I hate infertility so. damn. much.  Sorry if this post is all over the place.  That's just where my brain is at right now.

I know its been a while since my last post, but honestly, there's really nothing new to report.  Work was REALLY slow for the past couple of weeks (finally picked up today), so I've been obsessively stalking Pinterest all day every day.  I've found lots of great recipes (I love looking at all the food on there), but realized that I've mainly been pinning desserts and alcohol when I went to make a meal plan for the week. And so all we've been eating are desserts and jello shots......Actually, not really.  That would be a great plan if there were no such things as calories.  But there are, so alas, we have to eat nutritious food.

And speaking of calories, exercise classes are still going well.  I've been taking another Zumba class with my fav instructor at Big Dog Running Company.  If you've ever wondered what temperature the 7th layer of hell is, you should come to class.  I feel like I'm going to die by the end of it.  Its like exercising in a really hot sauna.  But the more you sweat, the more you lose.....right??  I missed Zumba today, due to the new work load (and the headache that accompanied it), but belly dance is still happening!

As far as my cycle goes, it seems like my ovulation day has moved.  It used to be cd13 (cycle day 13) about 98% of the time, but now its moved to cd14.  I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.  So now I'm almost a week into the dreaded TWW (two week wait: the two weeks in your cycle where you wait, and wait, and wait some more.  Each day closer to the test date brings a new level of anticipation/anxiety. The need to pee on sticks becomes overwhelming).  And even though I know I should be more cautious about my optimism, I'm feeling so hopeful this cycle.  The bleeding with exercise has stopped, so of course I'm convinced that all the other problems (whatever the hell they are, stupid unexplained infertility) are cured as well.  In my crackhead brain, no more bleeding problems = BFP and a sticky little baby.  Please let my crackhead brain be right....

Yep.  I cut my hair.  And it was about time.  I restrained myself all last summer.  My hair was so pretty and long and shiny.  And then it started getting annoying.  I would get it caught under my armpits.  I would get it caught under me or Mark or both myself and Mark while I was sleeping.  It was constantly getting in my mouth, in my food, just generally in my way.  So it finally got to be too much, and I decided to get it cut.  Of course the day before getting it cut, I started feeling remorse.  Its so long...and pretty...and shiny.  Maybe I'll just get a trim, I thought.  And then I got it stuck in the car door.  That was the final straw.  So now it is gone and no longer getting stuck in my armpits in Zumba or anywhere else for that matter.

Speaking of Zumba, I went back yesterday.  I was able to hang in there longer than I thought and probably pushed myself a little too hard.  I could definitely tell its been about a month and a surgery since I was last there.  I am going again tonight, and hopefully, I'll be able to do a tad bit better than yesterday.  The good news is that when I did start cramping I was able to take a time out, drink some water, and make the bitches go away.  Normally once they start, there is no getting rid of them.  I also did not bleed at all.  So this is very good news.  Hopefully this trend will continue, and I'll be able to exercise like a normal person once I'm back to 100%.  Which means I WILL be ready for the certification class in July.  And I'm psyched!

So now that I am able to exercise like a normal person (FX it stays this way), it gives me a little more hope in the TTC department.  Maybe the D&C cleared everything out, reset everything, and was what I needed to have a successful pregnancy.  I'm hopeful (maybe a little more than I should be) but also trying to stay realistic.  If this really did reset everything, then its kind of like starting over again.  And it can take up to a year for a healthy couple to conceive.  So if I don't get pregnant right away, I don't need to be upset. Because it can take a year.  And this will be the mantra I will repeat to myself if it doesn't happen.  No need to get upset yet, it can take a year.

And now for your IFPSA of the day.  There are actually a few things I'm thinking about,  and they all came from one thread on the Fertility Friend message boards. So first and foremost, I know I jokingly called myself a bitter infertile in my first post.  Let me make it VERY clear, that the only person allowed to call any woman who struggles with infertility bitter, is the person struggling with infertility.  And the thread that made me want to share that little side of information, was a thread about a woman who claims she got pregnant because she relaxed.  Now the crazy thing about her relaxing is that she wasn't relaxed at all.  She was temping, doing opks, using a fertility monitor, and checking her saliva for ferning.  But just because she had a glass of wine and "lived a little" she's magically relaxing.  (Oh, I should mention that this was the first month she timed sex correctly in the whole 6 months that she was trying) And if this wasn't annoying enough she decides to add " So please, maybe just try living for one whole month and see if that make a difference.   Buckets of Relaxed Baby dust to you all ".  I know I have said it before, and I will say it again.  DO NOT TELL AN INFERTILE PERSON TO RELAX.  Hearing this actually causes us to stress out.  If relaxing were the cure, I would have gotten pregnant (and stayed that way) the first year we were trying.  (We did get pregnant the first month we tried, but miscarried.  This was after being off of birth control for 2 years without a single oops.)  I knew it could take up to a year, so I didn't worry about it.  Yes, I temped and timed sex during my fertile time.  But I was confident it would happen, so I didn't stress about it.  After the first year came to a close, I started to worry.  I went to my doctor, and she put me on Clomid even though I was ovulating (ladies, get tests done first.  Don't let your doc prescribe these pills like they are candy without having the proper tests done). We did not get pregnant on the Clomid.  So I was even more stressed out and worried.  But then we got pregnant again, even though I was pretty stressed out from the Clomid not working and from my job.  Even though I was not relaxing, we got pregnant.  And then we miscarried again.  Since then we've taken break cycles where we haven't temped, done opks, or even thought about it, in other words we relaxed.  When I quit my job and was a housewife for several months, I was very relaxed.  Still not pregnant.  After I got my hsg done with a new doctor and they unblocked a tube (I had a small blockage in one tube), I just knew it was going to happen so I was relaxed then.  All these times that I was relaxed did not help me get pregnant.  So, in conclusion, relaxing does not help. If it did, there would be a ton of us IF ladies that got pregnant during break cycles.  So the moral of this lengthy IFPSA is not to call us bitter and don't tell us to relax.

Its been a while since my last post.  I really haven't been up to too much.  Just working and chilling out at home with Mark.  I've been reading 11/23/63 by Stephen King and have really been enjoying it so far.  Its primarily about time travel and changing the past/future.  So when I'm not reading it, I'm contemplating the consequences of time travel and attempting to change the past if it were possible.  Which I'm sure has contributed to the crazy dreams I've been having. I mean seriously, who has to take a train to get to the end of Debardelaben Street?  And why did my shoes keep getting filled with water?  Not to mention the dream about being at a boarding school that forced me to sell beer when I wasn't in class.  Crazy dreams.  And I'm blaming them on Stephen King.
I had my post-op appointment today.  She said everything looks good and seemed optimistic about our pregnancy chances.  I'm still trying not to get my hopes up.  Everything else that was supposed to help has not, so I don't see why this is any different.  Of course, I will inevitably get my hopes up, and be crushed. But at least I know its going to happen.  At least I can remind myself (as I'm sobbing over AF coming when I was so sure that this was our month) that I did know that hoping was going to lead to hysterics.   And yes, I do realize how pessimistic I'm being, but after 33 cycles of nothing but BFNs and a couple of miscarriages its really hard to remain positive.  Maybe the universe will prove me wrong.  We shall see.....
And now to the craziness that was my weekend.  It all started Friday.  I have been working from home, but had to run to the office to get some patient information out of their computer system.  I decided to wait until about 12:15 when I knew everyone should be out of the office for lunch so that no one would bother me and I could get the info and get out.  So I get to the office, walk up to the door, and what do I see?  EVERYONE that works in the office having a meeting.  When they're all supposed to be at lunch.  Awesome.  So I try to sneak in, but of course everyone stops to stare at me as I interrupt their meeting.  Luckily everyone went to lunch after it was over, so I was able to get in and out without much interruption.  And then every "SERIOUSLY??!" situation that could happen did.  Sock monkey baby stuff has been EVERYWHERE.  I've seen more pregnant people and infants (one that was maybe 6 weeks old in a bar no less) this weekend and today than I did all of last month.  I had to sit and listen to some trashy (sorry, I know its mean and I shouldn't judge, but damn) pregnant girl talk about her belly, unborn child, baby gear, and hospital plans to her mother for the entire hour I waited for my appointment today.  And the icing on the whole fucked up cake was the 3 nature shows we watched yesterday that prominently featured a meerkat who miscarried her litter, an African wild dog whose pups were tortured by the dominant female's pups (but survived somehow), a lion pack that was unable to have a successful litter of cubs for something like 6 years, and a mother hippo who tried so hard to keep her calf safe but it ended up dying anyway.  Yeah.  Lovely.  I get the message universe.  Screw you too.  Each of these things will inevitably happen every once in a while, but back to back to back???  Really?  Ugh.  Come on.
Anyhow.  Before this turns into a novel, I will leave you with your IFPSA of the day:
If you have a friend who is suffering from infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, please do not tell them to "JUST" adopt or get a surrogate.  For one there is no "JUST" in an adoption or surrogacy.  Both are fairly expensive and involved.  Being matched with a surrogate or adoptive child can take years.  Depending on the route you go through with adoption, there are numerous hoops to jump through before an agency will even consider placing a child with you, and then you have to wait for a birth mother to pick your family.  Even after you are matched with a potential adoptive child, there is still the chance that the mother can change her mind and keep her baby.  So again, there is no way to "JUST" adopt.  And for many women, the need to carry a child or have a child that is biologically hers and her husbands is very strong.  Of course she will be able to love a child that she does not carry or does not share her genes, but her dream is to have a child of her own.  And every time you tell her to "JUST" adopt, it validates her fear that she will never be able to attain this dream.  So, if these are options you would like to suggest, a better way to bring it up would be to ask if she's considered adoption or surrogacy (even this is iffy for some women.  I do not mind being asked this question, but other women I have spoken with get deeply offended by it.) and then do not bring it up again unless she does.