Sunday, March 24, 2013
Well, I guess its about time for a "Woe is me" post. I've been so bipolar the last few days. Going from ridiculous stupid optimism to bottom of the barrel pessimism. I have allowed myself to get too hopeful. I just know that I am in for a horrible terrible let down in a few days. I don't know why my brain is so insistent on tying pregnancy with my bleeding problems getting better. I could have some immune or genetic issues that are causing all of my IF and pregnancy loss issues, and cleaning my uterus out isn't going to do a damn bit of good if that is the case. I think that I was getting better in accepting that we may never be parents, but now there is something new keeping me hopeful. I don't want to be the bitter angry mess that I was just getting over being (I was seriously PISSED off at the number of infants in Target today, and I haven't had that problem in several months), but I just know that several unsuccessful months are probably going to send me back over the edge. Part of me really wants to believe that the surgery was what was needed to get us pregnant and keep it that way, but the experienced part of me knows that lots of other things that were supposed to work did not. So here I am, wildly alternating between believing that a miracle is going to happen and dreading the meltdown when it does not. Ugh!! I hate infertility so. damn. much. Sorry if this post is all over the place. That's just where my brain is at right now.