Just a quick update. We had our first ultrasound today, and so far, we have a healthy little baby in there!  It was very very tiny but had a strong heartbeat that we could see flickering away on the monitor. We are measuring exactly where we are supposed to be and the baby is implanted in a good spot.  So far, so good. And we are just praying it stays that way.  I know we are nowhere out of the woods yet, but I'm going to let the memory of that flickering heartbeat keep me hopeful.

So, I figured it would be good to do a post to try to let off some steam.  I will say that being pregnant after suffering a loss (or losses) is an extremely nerve wracking experience.  I want this to be our baby so badly, but past experience has me terrified.  I broke down crying a couple of nights ago due to a bout of fairly strong cramping. I haven't had any bleeding, and they didn't last long, but they still scared the hell out of me.  I know cramping is normal.  All of my friends have told me they cramped and that the cramps got bad at times.  The NP at the doctor's office told me cramping is normal as long as there is no bleeding.  So many women in the due date group I'm a member of have some cramping, and they are all fine. But for me, cramping in pregnancy = lost little one.  It has never been normal for me. And so any cramping freaks me out.  I'm terrified that we won't make it to our first ultrasound.  I know that worrying about it is not going to make it any better.  At this point there's really nothing else we can do to encourage this one to stay and grow.  So I'm trying to relax and enjoy it.  But its hard to get past the past.

I'm hoping that once Wednesday gets here, I'll be able to relax some.  If our little bean is measuring properly and we are able to see a heartbeat, I will know that all this cramping is completely normal.  But until I see a healthy little embryo, I don't think I'll be able to chill out.  And even after that, we'll have six long weeks until we're out of the first trimester.  I remember being so excited (and clueless) our first pregnancy.  Not a care in the world.  I just assumed that once you get pregnant, you stay that way.  I was going to have a baby in 9 months, wooo!  Of course, I was wrong.  And all of that beautiful pregnancy innocence shattered all around me.  I would really love to have some of it back.

I guess I will just continue to cling desperately to the fact that I feel like complete and utter doggy doo.  Its insane to feel so thankful for every wave of nausea, every bout of ridiculously fiery esophagus, and complete and utter exhaustion.  But I am.  And if I could go ahead and start throwing up already, that would be really awesome.  I feel like I need to all the time anyway.  Just go ahead and do it, body! No one likes to vomit, but vomiting = pregnancy, so I'll take it!  I just want this to be a healthy, happy, sticky baby that we get to take home with us.  And I would do anything at this point to make it happen.

Oh my goodness, you guys. I am so excited!  In two weeks we get to see our little bean!  I got our final betas in today and they were 1070 @ 18dpo.  She set up our ultrasound for April 17th and said everything looks good so no more bloodwork!  My poor veins had about had it, I think.  She really had to coax them into giving her blood for the last draw.  So take heart little vein, our little bean is doing well enough for you to not have to get stuck for the next two weeks!

Now whether I'm going to freak out over not knowing how everything is going over the next two weeks is a different matter all together.  There's this irrational side of me that keeps thinking, "What if the baby stops developing because we stop checking levels?"  Thinking that way is simply insane, I know this.  But knowing that it is crazy and irrational does not help me to stop thinking it.  This pregnancy is progressing much much better than the last two.  My levels had already started spiraling downward by this time last pregnancy.  I feel sicker and more tired.  Everything stinks.  So all the signs are there that this is different, but I still have that deeply ingrained fear that it will turn out the same.

I just have to keep telling myself, and this baby, and the universe, and whoever else is listening that this will be our sticky little take home baby.  That this baby is not allowed to leave my body until December, and when it does, it better plan on sticking around for another 80 or so years.  It will grow up and have babies of its own, darn it!  That is the plan and no one is allowed to deviate from the plan!  That will be my mantra as I navigate these next two beta-less weeks.

*And remember, Facebookers, we are still in hush hush mode!*

Oh, and here's an IF PSA for you!
April is Infertility Awareness Month with National Infertility Awareness Week being April  21st through 27th.  This week can be a great time to open up dialog, spread awareness, and try to remove the taboo that still surrounds infertility.  RESOLVE has a great website specifically for this week with suggestions on sharing information, getting involved, and telling your story. Go to http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html and see what you can do!

My second beta was 154! My levels doubled over 35.18 hours and the average doubling time is 48-72 hours.  So we are doing very well so far!  I had more blood drawn today and will have even more drawn on Wednesday or Thursday.  My doctor is staying on top of things, and I couldn't be happier about it! Keep those fingers and toes crossed for us!

(And remember Facebookers, mums the word!!)