Saturday, January 26, 2013

Now its time for a pity party blog.  Hooray!  But seriously.  I thought I was doing better about the whole infertility/doesn't look like children will be in our future thing.  I know that we haven't  been trying for as long as some couples that finally were able to have a baby, but I know a lot of those couples finally realized their dreams through IVFs, FETs, and the like.  We 1) don't have the money to do IVF or FET for one cycle let alone how ever many it takes to get one to stick and 2) don't know how we feel morally about it.  Let me just say that I have no issues with couples who do choose the IVF/FET route.  Everyone has to make that decision for themselves.  Every infertile couple has to chase every option they feel is necessary to achieve that dream.  But I personally would want to use every embryo that was created.  I know that a lot of them don't continue to develop or stick, but I would feel morally obligated to at least try.  I think it would make me very uncomfortable to have a bunch of frozen potential babies sitting in a freezer somewhere.  We could always donate any left over viable embryos, but with my history of loss and infertility, I don't know if they'd accept them. (Not really sure how the donor process for eggs and embryos works)  So at this point I'm slowly trying to come to terms with the fact that we very well may end up childless.  I've started letting go of any names I like for a boy or a girl and not adding to the list when I hear a neat name.  I've started trying to focus on the good aspects of being child-free and think about all the things that Mark and I can do if we don't ever have children.  I've started shifting my focus towards other things that I can do with my life that will make me happy.  And it seemed to be working.  Seeing babies and pregnant ladies hasn't been as painful.  I can actually walk by the baby department in different stores without feeling like I'm dying inside.  And then the damn sock monkeys popped up.  Sock monkeys have been a mascot for Mark and I's relationship for  quite a while.  After our first loss, Anthony gave us a sock monkey toy he had as a child to show that he believed it would happen for us.  And they are just really stinking cute, and I love them.  I wanted to include them in a nursery for our baby when those things were still contemplated and dreamed about.  And so of course when I saw a bunch of baby clothes in Cracker Barrel with freaking sock monkeys on them today, I almost fell apart.  Eyes filled with tears, breath stuck in my throat, and I'm sure I probably turned beet red as I tend to do.  I've been doing so well, and all it took was stupid baby clothes with sock monkeys on them to screw everything up.  Now I'm back to the woe is me, life isn't fair, why the hell can't it be my turn winy crap that everyone got so sick of hearing.  I got so tired of feeling like that and tried to focus on getting over it and feeling better, and then one stupid little thing has to go and screw it up.  Ugh.  Stupid bullshit infertility.  I freaking hate you.  Just go away so I can have my damn baby already, and dress it up in all the sock monkey baby clothes I can buy.

Alright. I'm going to stop bitching for now.  Here's your IFPSA of the day:

IFPSA: If you have any baby items with sock monkeys on them, keep them the hell away from me.  That is all.

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