We made it to 36 weeks!

I can't believe it's been a month since our bleeding/contraction scare.  I can remember being anxious to make it to 34 weeks, and now we're just a week away from delivering early term if the little turkey decides he can't wait any longer!  There haven't been anymore bleeding scares, but I'm still having trouble controlling the contractions.  At last week's monitoring appointment, we were there for 3 hours trying to get the contractions to go away.  They finally let me go home after the contractions spaced out enough for them to feel comfortable discharging me, but they never did go away completely.  I'm also still having trouble realizing that they are happening, and that trouble isn't just for the little contractions.  Apparently I had a nice big one lasting a minute and had no idea that it was happening. I'm hoping that my inability to recognize them will correlate to an easier labor and less pain, as I am planning to try to give birth without an epidural. But even though my uterus is all angry (why should I have expected it to behave any differently once I actually got and stayed pregnant?), our baby boy has always looked great and is thriving. So as long as he is still doing well, I can't complain too much.  I do not think that we will make it to our due date, but we are far enough along now that I won't freak out too badly if he decides it's go time.

I am still on bed rest, but I have been given the freedom to alternate between the bed and the recliner in the living room.  She also gave me permission to get my own snacks and make my own lunch, so long as I'm not on my feet for very long or moving around too much.  I'm still not allowed to do anything else such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc., but the little bit of freedom that I am allowed has made being on bed rest much much easier.  I'm hoping that once I reach 37 weeks, she'll give me even more freedom and allow me to do light cleaning or go for short walks.  I think the bleeding was the main cause for the bed rest order, so I'm not sure if she'll actually allow me to do some of that stuff or not. It won't hurt to ask, so ask I shall!

I hate sitting here doing nothing all day when there is still so much that needs to be done for his arrival, but I really have no choice.  I have been ordering some essentials that we need for him, since we won't be able to have a baby shower until after he gets here. I've also ordered the rest of what we need for the hospital bag and have a list made up of what needs to go in it, so that Mark can put the bag together. I'd really like to be able to do more, but at least it's something.

And so now, we wait.  We have 7 days until term and 28 days until his due date!  It won't be long!

Who's on bed rest? This girl. Yay...

So, It's been a while since I've done a blog post.  Everything had been going along like normal.  There was nothing really to report other than feeling frequent movements, getting uncomfortable, etc. so I didn't really feel the need to update.  Well, now there is something to report, and it's definitely not great news.  Eli and I are now confined to the bed for the duration of the pregnancy.  We had a really scary weekend, and I am just thankful that my little turkey is still cooking!

I had been feeling a bit strange Thursday, pretty worn out and a little sore, but I attributed that to the fact that I had cleaned my bathroom.  I just thought it wore me out since I'm getting so much bigger.  Mark got home from work and we were chilling on the couch when I felt this huge gush of fluid.  TMI maybe, but it felt like I peed myself, and I knew I didn't.  I jumped up off the couch and headed to the bathroom where I found it was not in fact pee, it was blood.  A lot of blood.  So I calmly yelled, "We have to go to the hospital. Now." down the hall to Mark and off we went.  We got to the ER after what felt like forever (I swear, every single light turned red when we got to it and stayed that way), and they rushed me up to l&d. They tried to get a urine sample, but unfortunately I was still bleeding way too much.  They hooked me up to the monitor, and they were able to find his heartbeat fairly quickly.  It was really strong, which meant that he was still doing well.  They also hooked me up to a contraction monitor and found that I was contracting every 2 minutes. The doctor came in about half an hour later and did an ultrasound. The equipment was kind of old, but he saw what looked like a small placental abruption (where the placenta pulled away from my uterus).  He said that he didn't know for sure, that we'd have to look with better equipment in the morning, but that it didn't look bad at all, was very small, and baby was doing well so it probably wasn't as serious as it could be. They then gave me a shot of brethine to stop the contractions (evil, evil medicine.  It stopped the contractions but I didn't react well to it and the side effects were horrible) and a steroid shot for Eli's lungs.  I also got the first of 3 huge bags of fluids and the first of 3 bags of antibiotics.  He also put me on strict bed rest for the next 24 hours (bed pans are not fun).  My contractions stopped and I was still bleeding, but it wasn't new blood from what they could tell, which was a very good thing.  Eli continued to do well and I probably managed to get a few hours of sleep.

The next day the bleeding (all old blood by now) continued to taper off.  While being monitored, they found that I was still contracting every 3 to 7 minutes, so I got another shot of brethine.  They did another ultrasound to look for the source of the bleed and a biophysical profile to make sure that Eli was still doing well.  The ultrasound turned out really well.  Baby is already 4lbs 12oz, measuring a week to two weeks ahead, and doing things that they don't expect to see a baby his age doing.  They also were unable to find the source of the bleed.  They're not sure if the old ultrasound equipment malfunctioned or if it was such a small tear that it repaired itself.  But for right now, the placenta is still attached to my uterus! Yay!  They lifted the strict bed rest provisions and gave me bathroom privileges as soon as the contractions stopped.  I still needed another steroid shot, so they kept me over night to give me the shot and to monitor me.  And then they set me free the next day!

I am still on bed rest, and I most likely will be for the duration of the pregnancy.  Each week I will go to see my doctor as well as go to the hospital to have Eli and my contractions monitored.  I'm still contracting, but they aren't close enough together at the moment to be a cause for concern. And still no more bleeding!!!! So with the way things look now, we should be able to keep him cooking until November at least.  That is the goal anyway.

Less than 100 days to go!

I figured since I was up at an ungodly hour, I would write a blog post.  I am 26 weeks today, which means that the 3rd trimester is swiftly approaching. Depending on who you ask, the 3rd trimester begins at either 27 or 28 weeks.  Which means I am a week or two away from being in the home stretch!  Sometimes it still seems surreal that we have made it this far, but I am so very grateful!  I can't wait to meet our little turkey in December!

I am also assuming that this pregnancy induced insomnia is preparing me for feeding said turkey in December.  Before I got pregnant, I had absolutely no trouble sleeping.  I could sleep any time and any place.  Now sleeping is a pain in the arse.  I can't get comfortable.  I have to pee 2 billion times a night.  I have wretched heartburn.  I'm itchy. And the most fun reason of all for not sleeping, is for absolutely no reason at all! The jerk faces my husband works for decided to call him at 4:30 this morning to see if he could come into work today.  One would think that they could have called him last night, considering it was well known that they would be understaffed today.  But no.  They wait until 4:30 in the freaking morning to call. So of course the phone ringing wakes me up, and try as I might, I am unable to fall back asleep.  And as I'm laying there trying to force myself back to sleep, all I can think is that if they do this when the baby is here, I'm going to kill someone.  He will be sleeping in a bassinet in our room, so their calling at horrible hours will definitely wake him up.  And then, as previously stated, I will have to kill someone.

Unfortunately it also seems that my nausea and motion sickness issues are coming back. It is definitely not as bad as it was the first trimester, but  I am totally not happy that I'm having issues again, period.  I think that part of it has to do with the fact that my stomach has been squished and is now hanging out with my lungs. I've tried to eat smaller portions, but I don't think I'm doing a good job.  I eat until I feel full, but by the time I feel full, I've eaten too much.  And then I'm miserable for hours after.  So if anyone has any suggestions on learning when I need to stop, you would be my hero!!

And speaking of eating and being miserable, I am starving now!  Would it be wrong to go force my husband to get up and take me to get Panera for breakfast?  I mean, it is 7am.  And it is kind of his fault I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep in the first place.  If I can't sleep, he shouldn't be able to either.  Right?

We're (more than) halfway there!!! Woot!!!

So, ladies and gentlemen, we are 21 weeks today!  We had our big anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday, and as we were told at an impromptu 16 week ultrasound, Baby Swann is definitely a boy!!! They said everything looks great, and we saw all 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as his little heart just pumping away. He is definitely  already a little stinker though, and would not allow them to get any good profile shots of him. (She tried though. I'm surprised I don't have the bruises on my side to prove it!)  He is also super active (as I can feel), and she had to chase him around with the ultrasound wand to get the measurements she needed. I really wish she could have gotten some better face pics, but I think we are still planning on doing a 3D ultrasound in a few weeks, so we should get to see him really well then (hopefully)!

I know I've been really bad about updating my blog, so I'll go ahead and fill you guys in on the pregnancy happenings.  This first thing that I will say is that the second trimester is WAY WAY better than the first. Apparently  the pregnancy gods decided to take, "I will never complain about my symptoms.  I will be so happy to get any and every symptom and will be grateful when I'm throwing up." at face value and threw all the first trimester horribleness they could at me. To say that I was a huge ball of useless, pregnant misery is probably an understatement.  But I survived, and the symptoms (as totally not fun as they were) helped to keep me sane from appointment to appointment. As in, "I still feel like death? Great!!! That means my little jumping bean is still fighting the good fight!" And as far as the second tri goes, for the most part, the nausea has dissipated. I had several days and a good week that the nausea and motion sickness came back with a vengeance, and made me wonder if it would ever really stop before the baby came. There are still certain triggers (that my dear sweet husband loves exploiting) that will make me gag or throw up in my mouth a little. And if I let the heartburn get out of control, well that causes some voming too.  My hips and lower back ache pretty much constantly, and I'm kind of terrified at how much they are going to hurt during the third tri.

But pregnancy has been pretty amazing too.  Hearing the heartbeat for the first time?  It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life.  Its hard to explain exactly how it felt to hear that sound. There was so much relief, and hope, and reassurance and love that overwhelmed me. It was amazing the first time I realized I could feel him moving.  To know that the little life inside of me is still going strong. To feel more and more movement and to feel those movements getting stronger and stronger. And then getting to see him on the ultrasound. Getting to watch him swim around.  Seeing his little heart beating. Counting all of his little fingers and toes. Witnessing how active he is and what a little stinker he can already be. Knowing that in about 4 months I will get to meet this amazing little person who I love so much already. None of the bad matters. It is all worth it. All the pain and heartbreak and longing of the last 3 years. All the physical unpleasantness of the first trimester. The inevitable unpleasantness of the third trimester and childbirth that is to come. None of it compares to the beauty of who I am going to give birth to and parent. He is worth all of it and so much more.

And now that I've made myself cry, here are some belly pics for those of you on Facebook and IRL that have been requesting them:

Here I am at 14 weeks:

And at almost 17 weeks:

And at 21 weeks:

As soon as we get some good ultrasound pics of him, I'll share those too!

Making it Facebook Official

So, I have some big big news! (Well, maybe not big for those of you who have been reading along without me posting to Facebook.) We are pregnant and will officially be in the second trimester TOMORROW!!! I was trying to hold out until tomorrow to tell, but I figured, what is one day anyway?  Especially when some people consider 12 weeks to be an appropriate time to start spilling the beans.  So far everything has been going really well. We saw the baby and heartbeat at 6 and a half weeks.  Then last Wednesday we had another good checkup and got to hear baby's heartbeat.  It was good and strong and made me completely break down.  She/he was moving around and the doctor had to chase her/him around with the doppler.  So we've got a feisty little fighter in there, and I am over the moon!

As far as my pregnancy thus far, I have been eagerly awaiting the second trimester and all its promises of no more morning sickness.  (Morning my ASS.  Lets try all day and night sickness.  Who the hell came up with that phrase anyway?  Had to have been a man.)  It seemed that I was starting to get better last week.  I was bragging to people about how my new medicine worked so much better, and how I felt like a human again, and how I must be one of the lucky ones to get rid of the MS before the first trimester.  And then Sunday happened, and I realize that Baby Swann is a trickster too.  But hey, whatever it takes to keep her/him feisty and fighting and being a trickster is what I will do.  I'm just praying that my body decides this whole morning sickness thing is no longer a necessity.

So here we are, about to begin a trimester we've never been in before.  I'm so excited for what the next 6 months will bring us! I'm dying to meet this new little person we've created.  But not until December!

Just a quick update. We had our first ultrasound today, and so far, we have a healthy little baby in there!  It was very very tiny but had a strong heartbeat that we could see flickering away on the monitor. We are measuring exactly where we are supposed to be and the baby is implanted in a good spot.  So far, so good. And we are just praying it stays that way.  I know we are nowhere out of the woods yet, but I'm going to let the memory of that flickering heartbeat keep me hopeful.

So, I figured it would be good to do a post to try to let off some steam.  I will say that being pregnant after suffering a loss (or losses) is an extremely nerve wracking experience.  I want this to be our baby so badly, but past experience has me terrified.  I broke down crying a couple of nights ago due to a bout of fairly strong cramping. I haven't had any bleeding, and they didn't last long, but they still scared the hell out of me.  I know cramping is normal.  All of my friends have told me they cramped and that the cramps got bad at times.  The NP at the doctor's office told me cramping is normal as long as there is no bleeding.  So many women in the due date group I'm a member of have some cramping, and they are all fine. But for me, cramping in pregnancy = lost little one.  It has never been normal for me. And so any cramping freaks me out.  I'm terrified that we won't make it to our first ultrasound.  I know that worrying about it is not going to make it any better.  At this point there's really nothing else we can do to encourage this one to stay and grow.  So I'm trying to relax and enjoy it.  But its hard to get past the past.

I'm hoping that once Wednesday gets here, I'll be able to relax some.  If our little bean is measuring properly and we are able to see a heartbeat, I will know that all this cramping is completely normal.  But until I see a healthy little embryo, I don't think I'll be able to chill out.  And even after that, we'll have six long weeks until we're out of the first trimester.  I remember being so excited (and clueless) our first pregnancy.  Not a care in the world.  I just assumed that once you get pregnant, you stay that way.  I was going to have a baby in 9 months, wooo!  Of course, I was wrong.  And all of that beautiful pregnancy innocence shattered all around me.  I would really love to have some of it back.

I guess I will just continue to cling desperately to the fact that I feel like complete and utter doggy doo.  Its insane to feel so thankful for every wave of nausea, every bout of ridiculously fiery esophagus, and complete and utter exhaustion.  But I am.  And if I could go ahead and start throwing up already, that would be really awesome.  I feel like I need to all the time anyway.  Just go ahead and do it, body! No one likes to vomit, but vomiting = pregnancy, so I'll take it!  I just want this to be a healthy, happy, sticky baby that we get to take home with us.  And I would do anything at this point to make it happen.

Oh my goodness, you guys. I am so excited!  In two weeks we get to see our little bean!  I got our final betas in today and they were 1070 @ 18dpo.  She set up our ultrasound for April 17th and said everything looks good so no more bloodwork!  My poor veins had about had it, I think.  She really had to coax them into giving her blood for the last draw.  So take heart little vein, our little bean is doing well enough for you to not have to get stuck for the next two weeks!

Now whether I'm going to freak out over not knowing how everything is going over the next two weeks is a different matter all together.  There's this irrational side of me that keeps thinking, "What if the baby stops developing because we stop checking levels?"  Thinking that way is simply insane, I know this.  But knowing that it is crazy and irrational does not help me to stop thinking it.  This pregnancy is progressing much much better than the last two.  My levels had already started spiraling downward by this time last pregnancy.  I feel sicker and more tired.  Everything stinks.  So all the signs are there that this is different, but I still have that deeply ingrained fear that it will turn out the same.

I just have to keep telling myself, and this baby, and the universe, and whoever else is listening that this will be our sticky little take home baby.  That this baby is not allowed to leave my body until December, and when it does, it better plan on sticking around for another 80 or so years.  It will grow up and have babies of its own, darn it!  That is the plan and no one is allowed to deviate from the plan!  That will be my mantra as I navigate these next two beta-less weeks.

*And remember, Facebookers, we are still in hush hush mode!*

Oh, and here's an IF PSA for you!
April is Infertility Awareness Month with National Infertility Awareness Week being April  21st through 27th.  This week can be a great time to open up dialog, spread awareness, and try to remove the taboo that still surrounds infertility.  RESOLVE has a great website specifically for this week with suggestions on sharing information, getting involved, and telling your story. Go to http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html and see what you can do!

My second beta was 154! My levels doubled over 35.18 hours and the average doubling time is 48-72 hours.  So we are doing very well so far!  I had more blood drawn today and will have even more drawn on Wednesday or Thursday.  My doctor is staying on top of things, and I couldn't be happier about it! Keep those fingers and toes crossed for us!

(And remember Facebookers, mums the word!!)

In this situation, secrets do make friends...

Okay, before I start getting into the meat of this post, I must ask you all to do one thing for me.  I want you to put your hand over your heart and solemnly swear to me that you are good at keeping secrets and will keep mine.  Okay?  That means that all of you on Facebook are not allowed to write anything (even vague anythings) pertaining to this on my wall at all.  Absolutely NOTHING.  K??!!

So I have officially missed my period.  The witch should have come today and she did not.  Which is  a very good thing considering I took at pregnancy test on Tuesday and it was positive!!!!!!  Blood work on Wednesday showed that my levels (so far) are really good, and the results from my blood draw on Friday will hopefully show that baby Swann is growing and developing like she/he should be.  All of the tests I've taken have gotten darker, with yesterday's test having the test line being darker than the control line.  So my levels are going up, I'm just hoping and praying that they are going up like they are supposed to.  We are no where close to being out of the woods yet, but so far, I'm having really good feelings about this pregnancy. Not good enough feelings to announce this on Facebook or anything yet (hence the swearing everyone to secrecy), but after having those miscarriages, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be somewhat scared until baby Swann gets here.

I guess this is it for now.  I will post again tomorrow to let everyone know how my second betas look. Please keep your fingers crossed that this baby is totally going to stick, and we'll be able to take him/her home in December!!!

Well, I guess its about time for a "Woe is me" post.  I've been so bipolar the last few days.  Going from ridiculous stupid optimism to bottom of the barrel pessimism.  I have allowed myself to get too hopeful.  I just know that I am in for a horrible terrible let down in a few days.  I don't know why my brain is so insistent on tying pregnancy with my bleeding problems getting better.  I could have some immune or genetic issues that are causing all of my IF and pregnancy loss issues, and cleaning my uterus out isn't going to do a damn bit of good if that is the case.  I think that I was getting better in accepting that we may never be parents, but now there is something new keeping me hopeful.  I don't want to be the bitter angry mess that I was just getting over being (I was seriously PISSED off at the number of infants in Target today, and I haven't had that problem in several months), but I just know that several unsuccessful months are probably going to send me back over the edge.  Part of me really wants to believe that the surgery was what was needed to get us pregnant and keep it that way, but the experienced part of me knows that lots of other things that were supposed to work did not.  So here I am, wildly alternating between believing that a miracle is going to happen and dreading the meltdown when it does not.  Ugh!!  I hate infertility so. damn. much.  Sorry if this post is all over the place.  That's just where my brain is at right now.

I know its been a while since my last post, but honestly, there's really nothing new to report.  Work was REALLY slow for the past couple of weeks (finally picked up today), so I've been obsessively stalking Pinterest all day every day.  I've found lots of great recipes (I love looking at all the food on there), but realized that I've mainly been pinning desserts and alcohol when I went to make a meal plan for the week. And so all we've been eating are desserts and jello shots......Actually, not really.  That would be a great plan if there were no such things as calories.  But there are, so alas, we have to eat nutritious food.

And speaking of calories, exercise classes are still going well.  I've been taking another Zumba class with my fav instructor at Big Dog Running Company.  If you've ever wondered what temperature the 7th layer of hell is, you should come to class.  I feel like I'm going to die by the end of it.  Its like exercising in a really hot sauna.  But the more you sweat, the more you lose.....right??  I missed Zumba today, due to the new work load (and the headache that accompanied it), but belly dance is still happening!

As far as my cycle goes, it seems like my ovulation day has moved.  It used to be cd13 (cycle day 13) about 98% of the time, but now its moved to cd14.  I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.  So now I'm almost a week into the dreaded TWW (two week wait: the two weeks in your cycle where you wait, and wait, and wait some more.  Each day closer to the test date brings a new level of anticipation/anxiety. The need to pee on sticks becomes overwhelming).  And even though I know I should be more cautious about my optimism, I'm feeling so hopeful this cycle.  The bleeding with exercise has stopped, so of course I'm convinced that all the other problems (whatever the hell they are, stupid unexplained infertility) are cured as well.  In my crackhead brain, no more bleeding problems = BFP and a sticky little baby.  Please let my crackhead brain be right....

Yep.  I cut my hair.  And it was about time.  I restrained myself all last summer.  My hair was so pretty and long and shiny.  And then it started getting annoying.  I would get it caught under my armpits.  I would get it caught under me or Mark or both myself and Mark while I was sleeping.  It was constantly getting in my mouth, in my food, just generally in my way.  So it finally got to be too much, and I decided to get it cut.  Of course the day before getting it cut, I started feeling remorse.  Its so long...and pretty...and shiny.  Maybe I'll just get a trim, I thought.  And then I got it stuck in the car door.  That was the final straw.  So now it is gone and no longer getting stuck in my armpits in Zumba or anywhere else for that matter.

Speaking of Zumba, I went back yesterday.  I was able to hang in there longer than I thought and probably pushed myself a little too hard.  I could definitely tell its been about a month and a surgery since I was last there.  I am going again tonight, and hopefully, I'll be able to do a tad bit better than yesterday.  The good news is that when I did start cramping I was able to take a time out, drink some water, and make the bitches go away.  Normally once they start, there is no getting rid of them.  I also did not bleed at all.  So this is very good news.  Hopefully this trend will continue, and I'll be able to exercise like a normal person once I'm back to 100%.  Which means I WILL be ready for the certification class in July.  And I'm psyched!

So now that I am able to exercise like a normal person (FX it stays this way), it gives me a little more hope in the TTC department.  Maybe the D&C cleared everything out, reset everything, and was what I needed to have a successful pregnancy.  I'm hopeful (maybe a little more than I should be) but also trying to stay realistic.  If this really did reset everything, then its kind of like starting over again.  And it can take up to a year for a healthy couple to conceive.  So if I don't get pregnant right away, I don't need to be upset. Because it can take a year.  And this will be the mantra I will repeat to myself if it doesn't happen.  No need to get upset yet, it can take a year.

And now for your IFPSA of the day.  There are actually a few things I'm thinking about,  and they all came from one thread on the Fertility Friend message boards. So first and foremost, I know I jokingly called myself a bitter infertile in my first post.  Let me make it VERY clear, that the only person allowed to call any woman who struggles with infertility bitter, is the person struggling with infertility.  And the thread that made me want to share that little side of information, was a thread about a woman who claims she got pregnant because she relaxed.  Now the crazy thing about her relaxing is that she wasn't relaxed at all.  She was temping, doing opks, using a fertility monitor, and checking her saliva for ferning.  But just because she had a glass of wine and "lived a little" she's magically relaxing.  (Oh, I should mention that this was the first month she timed sex correctly in the whole 6 months that she was trying) And if this wasn't annoying enough she decides to add " So please, maybe just try living for one whole month and see if that make a difference.   Buckets of Relaxed Baby dust to you all ".  I know I have said it before, and I will say it again.  DO NOT TELL AN INFERTILE PERSON TO RELAX.  Hearing this actually causes us to stress out.  If relaxing were the cure, I would have gotten pregnant (and stayed that way) the first year we were trying.  (We did get pregnant the first month we tried, but miscarried.  This was after being off of birth control for 2 years without a single oops.)  I knew it could take up to a year, so I didn't worry about it.  Yes, I temped and timed sex during my fertile time.  But I was confident it would happen, so I didn't stress about it.  After the first year came to a close, I started to worry.  I went to my doctor, and she put me on Clomid even though I was ovulating (ladies, get tests done first.  Don't let your doc prescribe these pills like they are candy without having the proper tests done). We did not get pregnant on the Clomid.  So I was even more stressed out and worried.  But then we got pregnant again, even though I was pretty stressed out from the Clomid not working and from my job.  Even though I was not relaxing, we got pregnant.  And then we miscarried again.  Since then we've taken break cycles where we haven't temped, done opks, or even thought about it, in other words we relaxed.  When I quit my job and was a housewife for several months, I was very relaxed.  Still not pregnant.  After I got my hsg done with a new doctor and they unblocked a tube (I had a small blockage in one tube), I just knew it was going to happen so I was relaxed then.  All these times that I was relaxed did not help me get pregnant.  So, in conclusion, relaxing does not help. If it did, there would be a ton of us IF ladies that got pregnant during break cycles.  So the moral of this lengthy IFPSA is not to call us bitter and don't tell us to relax.

Its been a while since my last post.  I really haven't been up to too much.  Just working and chilling out at home with Mark.  I've been reading 11/23/63 by Stephen King and have really been enjoying it so far.  Its primarily about time travel and changing the past/future.  So when I'm not reading it, I'm contemplating the consequences of time travel and attempting to change the past if it were possible.  Which I'm sure has contributed to the crazy dreams I've been having. I mean seriously, who has to take a train to get to the end of Debardelaben Street?  And why did my shoes keep getting filled with water?  Not to mention the dream about being at a boarding school that forced me to sell beer when I wasn't in class.  Crazy dreams.  And I'm blaming them on Stephen King.
I had my post-op appointment today.  She said everything looks good and seemed optimistic about our pregnancy chances.  I'm still trying not to get my hopes up.  Everything else that was supposed to help has not, so I don't see why this is any different.  Of course, I will inevitably get my hopes up, and be crushed. But at least I know its going to happen.  At least I can remind myself (as I'm sobbing over AF coming when I was so sure that this was our month) that I did know that hoping was going to lead to hysterics.   And yes, I do realize how pessimistic I'm being, but after 33 cycles of nothing but BFNs and a couple of miscarriages its really hard to remain positive.  Maybe the universe will prove me wrong.  We shall see.....
And now to the craziness that was my weekend.  It all started Friday.  I have been working from home, but had to run to the office to get some patient information out of their computer system.  I decided to wait until about 12:15 when I knew everyone should be out of the office for lunch so that no one would bother me and I could get the info and get out.  So I get to the office, walk up to the door, and what do I see?  EVERYONE that works in the office having a meeting.  When they're all supposed to be at lunch.  Awesome.  So I try to sneak in, but of course everyone stops to stare at me as I interrupt their meeting.  Luckily everyone went to lunch after it was over, so I was able to get in and out without much interruption.  And then every "SERIOUSLY??!" situation that could happen did.  Sock monkey baby stuff has been EVERYWHERE.  I've seen more pregnant people and infants (one that was maybe 6 weeks old in a bar no less) this weekend and today than I did all of last month.  I had to sit and listen to some trashy (sorry, I know its mean and I shouldn't judge, but damn) pregnant girl talk about her belly, unborn child, baby gear, and hospital plans to her mother for the entire hour I waited for my appointment today.  And the icing on the whole fucked up cake was the 3 nature shows we watched yesterday that prominently featured a meerkat who miscarried her litter, an African wild dog whose pups were tortured by the dominant female's pups (but survived somehow), a lion pack that was unable to have a successful litter of cubs for something like 6 years, and a mother hippo who tried so hard to keep her calf safe but it ended up dying anyway.  Yeah.  Lovely.  I get the message universe.  Screw you too.  Each of these things will inevitably happen every once in a while, but back to back to back???  Really?  Ugh.  Come on.
Anyhow.  Before this turns into a novel, I will leave you with your IFPSA of the day:
If you have a friend who is suffering from infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, please do not tell them to "JUST" adopt or get a surrogate.  For one there is no "JUST" in an adoption or surrogacy.  Both are fairly expensive and involved.  Being matched with a surrogate or adoptive child can take years.  Depending on the route you go through with adoption, there are numerous hoops to jump through before an agency will even consider placing a child with you, and then you have to wait for a birth mother to pick your family.  Even after you are matched with a potential adoptive child, there is still the chance that the mother can change her mind and keep her baby.  So again, there is no way to "JUST" adopt.  And for many women, the need to carry a child or have a child that is biologically hers and her husbands is very strong.  Of course she will be able to love a child that she does not carry or does not share her genes, but her dream is to have a child of her own.  And every time you tell her to "JUST" adopt, it validates her fear that she will never be able to attain this dream.  So, if these are options you would like to suggest, a better way to bring it up would be to ask if she's considered adoption or surrogacy (even this is iffy for some women.  I do not mind being asked this question, but other women I have spoken with get deeply offended by it.) and then do not bring it up again unless she does.

Ugh, stupid How I Met Your Mother.  Normally, I love that show.  But the reruns about Lilly and Marshal TTC (trying to conceive) have been on, and I literally want to punch the TV.  "We've been trying for two months, but holy shit, we're not pregnant yet so there has to be a problem."  Um....guys....it takes up to a year for a healthy, reproductively normal couple to conceive.  You have about a 20% chance each month. Oh, and Lilly, you don't have to take your temp every hour, just once, right after you wake up before getting out of bed will do.  Oh, and Marshal, its really not the best idea to abstain from, ehem, releasing any tension (with or without your wife) for two weeks before ovulation.  Your spermies will probably be old and dead.  Its best to let your swimmers swim at least every 3 days. "Why is it taking so long??!!"  Again, its only been two months guys.  Chill out.
And it seems like this is a trend with any tv show that has main characters TTC.  Yeah, lets have so and so go to the fertility specialist after trying for 3 months.  Oh, and lets have lots of laughing and joking about it along the way.  Lets have the couple's friends say horribly rude things like, "Heh heh heh, you shooting blanks or something, man?" And have everyone laugh about it, like saying those types of things are acceptable.  Lets take something that is horribly stressful for people in real life and minimize it.  Lets also put out tons of false information so that people are sobbing over BFNs (big fat negative pregnancy tests) a day after they ovulate, freak out and try to book an appointment with a specialist after 3 months (hahahahahaha! good luck booking one without lying after that short amount of time), and continue to perpetuate the insane belief that you can get pregnant at any point in your cycle.  I happened to see an episode of Mike and Molly where Molly goes and POAS (pee on a stick) the morning after they have sex.  Um, sweetie, that test picks up hcg which is found in your blood if fertilization is successful and implantation occurs.  And that doesn't happen until 7-10 days after you ovulate.  The HCG then has to be filtered by your kidneys and make it into your urine.  You're just wasting those FRERs (first response early result pregnancy test), and those things are pretty expensive.  And then more *hilariously* uninformed decisions are made, and I'm left sitting there yelling, "Of course you're not pregnant yet!  You're a MORON!!!" at the TV.  So tv producers/writers/directors if you are going to bring infertility into your show make it true to life and believable.  Or just make the two characters get pregnant first try and leave it alone.
OK, rant over.  On to other subjects.  Like me!!! I tried to go back to work yesterday and made it for all of two hours.  Apparently my insides don't heal as quickly as I thought they would.  And so now I'm laughing at the fact that I thought I would be able to get back into exercising next week and was bummed when my doctor told me no.  I can't even sit up straight for longer than two hours without hurting, how the hell am I supposed to dance?  Not going to happen.  I've read about other ladies who healed up waaay quicker than this, and sort of feel like a wuss.  I feel like I was in good enough shape to bounce back from this more quickly than I am.  Granted, its only been a week since my surgery, but still.....  I refuse to do anything that might set me back even longer, so I must swallow my pride and take it easy.  Sadness.  I'm ready to get back to normal.  My poor puppies have been neglected too.  I know they are dogs, and dogs like to be outside, but they have been spending a lot of time outside.  I've just been too scared that they will jump on me and hurt me. So now they are super dirty, and poor Autumn really needs a haircut.  But all that is going to have to wait. Poor stinky puppies....
And now, some TTC humor:

So, surgery was definitely not the horror I anticipated.  I did not wake up, as I had feared would happen.  (Or if I did, I do not remember it.)  I was incredibly nervous, but the valium did wonders to help, as did whatever else they put in my IV.  The recovery has not been bad either.  I'm not big into pain though, so I've been avoiding doing anything that might cause it.  Of course this hasn't been fool-proof, and there was one time I twisted or something and felt like I was ripping open my belly button incision.  That HURT.  And was not fun. At all. But all in all, it has not been a traumatic experience.  And I would do it again if I had to.  But I DON'T!!!  That's right, it wasn't bad enough to warrant another surgery.  In fact, it was not bad at all.  She found no endo or scar tissue in my pelvic cavity.  From my mother's descriptions of the pictures the doctor showed her and Mark, everything was nice and white and pink and shiny.  (I want those pictures, darn it! And usually they give them to you.  Grr...)  There were a few issues in my uterus, but the d&c removed it all. The doctor is hopeful that these fixes will stop my bleeding issues and (Fingers Crossed) help us to get pregnant.  We shall see!
As far as everything else goes, I am not allowed to exercise at all until my post-op appointment on March 4th.  So two weeks.  I'm not raring to go hit the gym today, but I know by next week I am probably going to be jonesing for some Zumba.  And this also means that I probably will not be performing at the Hafla (belly dance party) like I had been hoping.  But there will be other opportunities, and I really do want to make sure I make a full recovery.  So no dancing (or pumping or yoga-ing) until she clears me.  Booo!  Other than that, not much has been going on.  I am going to attempt to go back to work Thursday.  I've been trying to move around a lot more and sit up for longer periods of time in an attempt to get ready for it.  Its still really uncomfortable, but I'm managing.  I'm thinking that by Thursday, I should be feeling a lot better.  We shall see.
Alrighty, I think I am going to go take some more ibuprofen now.  And now for your IFPSA of the day:

Really, right now, I got nothing.  I have the best husband, family, and friends who have taken such good care of me and made me feel so loved.  You guys are the best, and I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you.  I love you guys!!

 Its a happy plush uterus!  Must be nice to have a happy uterus, must be nice....

Nervous, nervous, nervous.  I have a feeling that I'm going to be a huge mess tomorrow.  But that is ok.  The nurse who did all my pre-op stuff today said that if I am a huge mess tomorrow, I get a valium!  Yay!  I've never had valium before, but I heard that it is very useful when trying to keep someone from hyperventilating, crying, or vomiting from the anxiety.  So at least if I do break down sobbing, I'll be given a drug to help me not be too embarrassed by it.  And as far as vomiting from the anesthesia goes, she said they will put anti-nausea meds into my iv to help.  No one wants to get vomited on.  Everyone today made me feel confident that they will take excellent care of me.  And I know they will.  Doesn't mean I'm not scared anymore though.  I'm also tired of getting stuck already.  And I know there is a lot more sticking to go tomorrow. I had blood drawn from BOTH arms today, and they are both quite sore.  I'm hoping my IV will be in my hand tomorrow, as my arms want no more of it.
After talking with my doctor today about my concerns, she also suggested doing a d & c.  It will remove anything that might be causing my uterus (stupid uterus) to rebel, and give her tissue to inspect to make sure there is nothing more serious going on.  This, combined with the lap, should give a more complete picture of what's causing all the problems I've been having and might even clue us into why getting and staying pregnant is so darn hard.  We will have answers, ladies and gentlemen!  ANSWERS!  She also suggested that cleaning everything out could help us get pregnant quickly.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, as everything that is supposed to have helped us has not.  So I must remember, quality of life is what I'm after at this point. A baby would just be a miraculous bonus.
Ok people, I want to finish watching Vampire Diaries, and then I need to go get ready for tomorrow.  So, until my next post, here is your IFPSA of the day:
When talking to someone who is trying to have children, please don't say, "Oh, you're young.  There's plenty of time to have kids.  Why are you in such a hurry?"  For me, the answer is I'm not young.  I am 2 and half years away from being 35 which is considered advanced maternal age.  I don't have as much time as you imply.  Yes, people are having babies at later and later ages, but there are also more risks involved the older that you are.  Not to mention that egg reserves dramatically diminish by the time a woman reaches 30.  Waiting until we were ready is probably part of the issue, so no, there is not plenty of time to have children.

AWWWW!  Look at how cute!  Yes, concentrate on the cuteness, Sarah.............


Yep, well, its official.  Surgery on Friday has finally become real.  I have had the hardest time concentrating on anything the past couple of days.  I just keep thinking about all the things that need to get done before Friday.  And then my mind starts wandering to Friday itself, and I freak out and go back to thinking about jello, and stretchy pants, and heating pads.  So yeah, I have really not been productive at work today.  I'm trying, but it seems that every time I try to focus myself and call a doctor's office I start thinking about MY doctor's appointments on Thursday.  Which takes me back to thinking about all the stuff I need to get done before Friday.  And then leads to trying my hardest not to think about Friday.  Its a vicious vicious cycle, ya'll.  I'm afraid that by Friday I am going to be a big terrified baby.  I woke up this morning thinking, "OMG ITS TUESDAY!!! It's so much closer to Friday!  Holy crap, I don't know if I'm ready for this."  But I know I am ready, I'm just really anxious.  Anxious that I will be in a lot of pain after.  Anxious that I will wake up in the middle of it like I did when I had my wisdom teeth cut out.  Anxious that I'll need another surgery.  And a bit worried that I'll get there on Friday and start crying or something.  But I just have to keep reminding myself that this surgery is going to clue us into what is going on.  And knowing is going to be well worth any pain or embarrassing freak outs that might happen.  I just need to hang in there.  Everything is going to be ok. Yep, just gotta keep telling myself that.

One more week!  Actually in one more week I will be in a pain-med induced stupor, but same thing.  It hit me last night that I don't actually think this is real.  One would think I'd be starting to get nervous about being put under and then getting holes cut into me, but it doesn't feel like its going to happen to ME.  I feel like I'm just reading a book or something, and that a character is getting ready to go into surgery.  Its very strange, but maybe its a coping mechanism.  I mean who really wants to KNOW that they are going to have someone cut them open and put a camera in there.  I need to get everything ready too.  I've started making a list of things to buy and prepare, but I'm nowhere near being finished with the list.  Haven't even started the buying or preparing.  I really do need to get on it.  I'm running out of time.  God forbid I don't have enough reading material or jello.  Luckily Mark is going to be off of work during my surgery and for a good portion afterward, so if I run out of Jello, I'll be ok.
I'm just ready to know for sure what is wrong with my stupid body.  Even if its horrible news, at least I'll know and be better able to prepare for how it will effect my life.  The pain and bleeding when there is not supposed to be pain and bleeding is bad, but not knowing what the hell is going on is even worse.  Is it endometriosis?  Do I have tons of cysts? Is it cancer?  Is it one of the nasty critters from Alien trying to bust out of my pelvis?  Who knows!  Not this girl.  But we'll know something very soon, and that brings me a great deal of comfort.  Even if they get in there and find that everything is so bad I won't be able to have children, at least I will know and be able to move on with my life.  At this point all I want are answers.  And the ability to work out as hard as I want to without all the horrible side effects.
Now on to other topics.  As far as working out goes, I was very bad this week.  I missed Monday night Belly Dance due to the fast approaching deadline to a huge project at work.  I danced my heart out at Zumba on Tuesday, only to leave feeling like both of my ovaries were trying to knife their way out of my hips while my uterus rooted them on.  A horrendous sinus headache kept me from Wednesday night Yoga, and tummy issues kept me from Bodypump and Belly Dance on Thursday.  So I have worked out one day this week.  Not good.  At all.  I don't know how long I'm going to be out of commission after my surgery, so I really should have taken advantage of all the opportunities I had this week.  But alas, I was falling apart.  I am quite tired of falling apart.
Well, friends, I think I am going to bed now.  Until next time, here is your IFPSA of the day:
Pregnancy announcements.  They suck.  We love you and are happy for you, but please remember that we are trying so hard to achieve the same thing.  Your happy news is indeed happy, but it is also quite painful as it reminds us that we are still unable to (and may never) achieve a successful pregnancy.  So be gentle when you tell your friends that struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss your wonderful news.  Give us time to process it, come to terms with our feelings, and then move on to being truly happy for you.  Also, please don't let us be the last to know.  Keeping the news from us to spare our feelings is not fun either.  We're going to find out sooner or later, so please, gently tell us when you tell everyone else.  And remember we are TRULY HAPPY for you.  It just may take us a minute to move past our own feelings.

Two more weeks!  Hooray!  I am so ready for this!  I talked to my doctor's office yesterday, and nicely demanded that they give me a date and time for all my pre-op appointments so that I could tell work something.  So they scheduled them both for the day before the actual procedure, which is a lot better than the schedule they had me on when they wanted to do the lap earlier this month (well, technically last month as it is February now).  They still couldn't tell me what time I was supposed to go to the hospital to get cut open and have pictures taken of my insides, but at least I know the day.  I am realizing that the next couple of weeks are really going to fly by, and I need to get ready for this thing.  I need to gather together reading material, jello, and stretchy pants.  And I need to teach my cat to stop jumping on my stomach and laying on me, as this will inevitably be very uncomfortable.  (She's also really drool-y and loves to shake her head and fling that drool all over my face.  Lovely, huh?)  Also, I need to buy some gas-x.  For my dog.  Dear God....

And now on to the topic that I seem to love to talk about, but scoff at everyone else who does......CELEBRITIES!!!  Good lord, seriously, WTH is wrong with me?  Why do I always feel the need to talk about them?  Maybe its because they are so messed up, and stupid, and tragic.   Or maybe it just makes me feel better about myself.  Who knows?  But today we are going to talk about Taylor Swift.  Pretty little Taylor Swift, with her curly blond hair, adorable little nose, and sense of self so wrapped up in every guy she dates, she is miserable when it ends and can't be happy until she finds another poor sap to attach herself to.  I have her latest song stuck in my head.  Something about knowing the guy was trouble when he walked in.  And how she was just a notch in his belt.  And how she'll never get fooled again (poor sweet Taylor, she says that every time).  And I have to wonder if she has any identity outside of the guys she dates at all?  It seems to me that someone who has a sense of self and has an identity other than the latest guy that she was dating, wouldn't be devastated and heartbroken after every. single. breakup.  Wouldn't feel the need to write I hate you/I'm so sad songs after every date that goes wrong.  I dated my share of scumbags (who hasn't), but I didn't feel the need to write long hate letters/why don't you love me letters after things ended. So Taylor, sweetie I have a suggestion. Get a hobby.  Or some friends.  Pick a charity and devote yourself to it. Get a puppy.  But please, stop freaking dating until you actually have figured out that you are a person that doesn't need someone to attach to in order to exist.  I guarantee that once you find yourself, you will have an easier go of it in the relationship department.  So seriously, go coordinate animal rescues or something and stop dating!

And now, for those of you who don't want to read on and hear me bitch about my uterus, here is your IFPSA of the day:
If you have a friend or family member that has been trying to conceive for a while, chances are she is not going to want links to articles about celebrity pregnancies plastered all over her facebook wall.  This did not happen to me, but happened to a lady in one of my online support groups, and needless to say, she got really upset.  The fact that we are having trouble trying to get pregnant makes all things pregnancy and baby related painful.  It seriously sucks to walk by the baby isle at Target or Wal-Mart, and seeing pregnant people can make you want to punch things.  So its probably not a good idea to send her pics of celebrity baby bumps, or your baby bumps, or anyones baby bumps really.

Yes, ladies (and probably not gentlemen, because I know very few men who want to read about uteri), this is indeed how I am feeling today (as well as yesterday when I started this post).  Mother Nature must still be really pissed off at me for all those years I didn't recycle, because otherwise, I really don't understand why she is doing this to me.  I mean seriously, I haven't had kids yet, but there is a part of me that is hoping they'll get in there in a couple of weeks and feel the need to take my damn uterus out.  Just take it.  Seriously.  All it does is cause me pain, and gross me out, and force me not to exercise as hard as I want to, and refuse to keep a baby in there until it can live on the outside.  I'm tired of hurting so much that 6 ibuprofen and a lortab and a heating pad won't get rid of the pain.  I am so thankful that I have an awesome understanding boss that allowed me to go home yesterday, because I probably would not have made it through the day without crawling under my desk, curling into a ball, and crying.  So hell, just take it out.  I'm tired of it.  I want a child more than anything, but I honestly don't feel that it will happen at this point.  No uterus= no period, no pain, no more miscarriages, and no more guessing whether or not this month might be the month that ends in a BFP and pure terror that I'll miscarry agian.  I know the better option would be finding fixable insides, but with all the hell I go through every month (not just with my period but all the damn time!), I'm just not seeing that as a possibility.
Ok, I'm done bitching and Ground Hog Day is about to come on.  So until next time....

Now its time for a pity party blog.  Hooray!  But seriously.  I thought I was doing better about the whole infertility/doesn't look like children will be in our future thing.  I know that we haven't  been trying for as long as some couples that finally were able to have a baby, but I know a lot of those couples finally realized their dreams through IVFs, FETs, and the like.  We 1) don't have the money to do IVF or FET for one cycle let alone how ever many it takes to get one to stick and 2) don't know how we feel morally about it.  Let me just say that I have no issues with couples who do choose the IVF/FET route.  Everyone has to make that decision for themselves.  Every infertile couple has to chase every option they feel is necessary to achieve that dream.  But I personally would want to use every embryo that was created.  I know that a lot of them don't continue to develop or stick, but I would feel morally obligated to at least try.  I think it would make me very uncomfortable to have a bunch of frozen potential babies sitting in a freezer somewhere.  We could always donate any left over viable embryos, but with my history of loss and infertility, I don't know if they'd accept them. (Not really sure how the donor process for eggs and embryos works)  So at this point I'm slowly trying to come to terms with the fact that we very well may end up childless.  I've started letting go of any names I like for a boy or a girl and not adding to the list when I hear a neat name.  I've started trying to focus on the good aspects of being child-free and think about all the things that Mark and I can do if we don't ever have children.  I've started shifting my focus towards other things that I can do with my life that will make me happy.  And it seemed to be working.  Seeing babies and pregnant ladies hasn't been as painful.  I can actually walk by the baby department in different stores without feeling like I'm dying inside.  And then the damn sock monkeys popped up.  Sock monkeys have been a mascot for Mark and I's relationship for  quite a while.  After our first loss, Anthony gave us a sock monkey toy he had as a child to show that he believed it would happen for us.  And they are just really stinking cute, and I love them.  I wanted to include them in a nursery for our baby when those things were still contemplated and dreamed about.  And so of course when I saw a bunch of baby clothes in Cracker Barrel with freaking sock monkeys on them today, I almost fell apart.  Eyes filled with tears, breath stuck in my throat, and I'm sure I probably turned beet red as I tend to do.  I've been doing so well, and all it took was stupid baby clothes with sock monkeys on them to screw everything up.  Now I'm back to the woe is me, life isn't fair, why the hell can't it be my turn winy crap that everyone got so sick of hearing.  I got so tired of feeling like that and tried to focus on getting over it and feeling better, and then one stupid little thing has to go and screw it up.  Ugh.  Stupid bullshit infertility.  I freaking hate you.  Just go away so I can have my damn baby already, and dress it up in all the sock monkey baby clothes I can buy.

Alright. I'm going to stop bitching for now.  Here's your IFPSA of the day:

IFPSA: If you have any baby items with sock monkeys on them, keep them the hell away from me.  That is all.

Why is she crying??!!!  Zumba addiction is something to be celebrated.

Anyhow, I haven't made a post in about a week.  We went to Gatlinburg with Mark's family last Friday and stayed through Monday.  It was actually cold this year (last year it was warm and there was barely any snow at the ski resort), and I tried out the snow tubing.  The first time I did it was fairly traumatizing.  There is a belt that takes you up to the top of the tubing hill that is scary as hell.  I almost fell getting on to it, got yelled at for trying to walk on it (because I was feeling totally unsteady and about to fall any minute), and then stumbled off of it.  Then walking through the lines to get to the tubing lanes was wrought with holes for twisting your ankle in and teenagers needing to be yelled at.  Once you get to the top of the hill, you have to maneuver your tube and then try to sit on it without falling and/or sliding down the hill.  I am clumsy (as most of you know) and so I was expecting to tumble down the hill at any moment.  Once I finally got going down the hill, my tube kept turning me around (a blast once I knew what to expect and not so fun the first time) and I sat too far into the tube so my ass hit every little bump.  I was not a happy camper after that first run, and was not going to go back and do it again.  Mark forced me to try it one more time though, and I'm glad I did.  Once I knew what to expect and what to do, I had a blast.  It was tons of fun, and I can't wait to do it again next year.

Other than the trip, I've been working and going to the gym.  I'm enjoying my job, and I'm apparently doing really well at it.  I've gotten a ton of stuff back, and the doctors' offices actually seem to want to cooperate with me.  People at work say its because I sound sweet and southern, which probably is the case.  So I'm going to continue to be sweet and southern and get people to do what I want!  Zumba went well this week, as did yoga and belly dance.  I actually got to go to belly dance on Monday (thought we would be out of town) and learned that I really need to be practicing the dance we are doing (for the hafla in March) outside of class.  And I need to start thinking about costuming.  And wing making.  Lots of prep to do before it rolls around.  But I am excited.

Well, that's really all that's been going on.  I will leave you with your IFPSA of the day!  Until next time:

IFPSA: When asking a couple why they don't have children (RUDE!) or when/if they plan on having children, please do not ask them if they don't have children because they don't like children.  I actually had a family member ask Mark and I this a couple of months after one of our losses, and were she not ill at the time, I probably would have told her in horrible graphic detail exactly why we haven't had a baby yet.  There could be so many reasons why a couple has not had children yet, and normally, hating children is not on the top of the list.  So please, when talking to your friends or family members that are childless, if you absolutely have to know the state of their family planning, be gentle.  They may be struggling harder than you can imagine to have a baby, and hearing your opinion on the matter isn't helpful and can be painful.

Good grief, I am all sorts of sleepy.  Sleepy doesn't really even cover it.  I think its closer to exhaustion, but not quite.  Fascinating stuff, I know.  I just can't figure out why I am so tired.  I've been like this since last week.  I'm wondering if its stress.  In fact, I'm betting on the stress.  I finally got another job.  Which is a relief in some ways, but in other ways its terrifying as its commission based at the moment.  So as long as I'm able to be persuasive and authoritative and basically force doctors to send back the paperwork I need them to send back, I'll be ok.  But I am relying on DOCTORS OFFICES as a source of income.  I have a hard enough time getting them to do what I need done when I'm the patient, let alone when I'm calling on behalf of a company that shares the same patient.  And speaking of doctor's calling me back, mine have yet to call me back to let me know when I have to do all my pre-op  stuff.  And the fact that I don't know when it is, is stressing me out.  They told me when my surgery was scheduled for, but without having those other appointments made as well, I feel like I'm going to call the week before my surgery to find out what's up, only to find out there will be no surgery.  I called yesterday morning to make sure my pre-ops weren't still going to be this week, and she assured me they weren't but couldn't tell me when they would be!!!  Frustrating! And then the whole surgery thing itself  is stressful.  What if they don't find anything?  I KNOW that something has to be wrong. There's too much going on symptom wise for there not to be anything wrong. (Oh, there will be symptom descriptions later on for those of you that don't gross out easily at the TMI) But what if they can't find it?  Or what if they find A LOT of endo.  Like, the endo has eaten all my organs, and there's nothing they can do?  And then of course I'm worried that I'll require another surgery, as my doctor is only able to handle endo up to certain stages.  So if its advanced, I'll have to do it all over again with another doctor.  And then I start thinking about it, and freak out and get all morbid, and am like, what if I have a reaction to the anesthesia?  What if it kills me?  What if I go in for a simple outpatient procedure and never come out?  What will Mark do?  What will my mom do?  Dear God, what will my dogs do??!!  Overly dramatic, yes, but hell.

Ok, enough with the sleepy/stress/freak out talk.  I have bigger fish to fry.  And that nasty, stinky, slutty fish is none other than Kim Kardashian (again).  Now I am going to add big fat (ok, she's not fat, but still...) freaking liar to my description of her.  It seems that in order to make her pregnancy more socially acceptable and to garnish more attention, said attention WHORE is lying and saying that her pregnancy was shocking because she has infertility issues.  Um....NO!  For one, Ms. Kardashian has been on birth control for several years, just got off bc, and had to explain to Kanye how exactly she was pregnant when she was supposed to be on birth control.  So yes Kim, BC causes infertility WHEN YOU ARE TAKING THEM!  That's the point of the damn pills, moron.  I also have it on good authority (from someone who saw the whole Kim drags Khloe to a fertility clinic and ends up freezing her eggs episode), that the doctor she talked to told Kim she had no issues and would easily be able to have her eggs harvested.  Yeah, that sounds really super serious Kim.  I can't believe you got pregnant shortly after getting off of birth control with those serious problems.  How about trying for a year, or two, or three unsuccessfully and then tell me all about your infertility problems.  So not only is she KU by someone she is not married to while still being married to someone else, she is LYING about being infertile.  Poor poor Khloe.  Poor poor me.   Poor poor all those women and couples who are actually affected by infertility.

And now for those of you who don't want to read my bitch out about my uterus because it is too personal (and gross), here is your IFPSA of the day:
Please do not tell women suffering from infertility to just "relax and it'll happen".  I know that sometimes its hard to know what to say, and you feel the need to say something, and so "relax" comes flying out.  I will have you know that RELAX is one of the most hated words in the infertility community.  Hearing it actually causes stress, and if the word disappeared from the english language, none of us would care.  And honestly, it doesn't help.  Relaxing will not fix my uterus or make my endo (if its there) go away.  Relaxing will not help the woman who has high FSH and poor egg reserves lower her FSH or magically produce more eggs.  Nor will it help someone with recurrent miscarriages due to autoimmune disorders or chromosomal issues hold onto that baby.  If a woman has been trying over a year (6 months if she is 35 or older), she has bigger problems than stress and needing to relax.  She has real MEDICAL issues that can't be relaxed away.  So please, for the love of God and all that is holy, do not tell people with fertility issues to relax.

And now for the fun, way too much information portion of my blog.....

I hate my uterus.  I hate that cold hearted bitch with a passion.  Not only does it deny me the one thing I want more than anything else by expelling my offspring far too quickly, it will also not allow me to get my Zumba on as hard as I would like.  For those of you who don't know, I love Zumba.  So. Much.  Seriously, I am going to get certified to teach so that I can make money doing it, and maybe one day make it my career if at all possible.  But sadly, my uterus wants none of it.  Take last night for example.  Tuesday night is Zumba night, and my mommy has finally decided to join in the fun!  So of course, like all children who has a mommy watching them do something, I decided to do my absolute best.  I really threw myself into it.  And then I wanted to die.  It always starts off as little cramps.  Little cramps that I think I can handle.  Little cramps that I try to convince myself won't get worse if I keep doing what I'm doing.  Then they start to get bad.  Not quite the agony of period cramps, but close.  So I then decide that I'll drink some water, maybe go pee (cause peeing helps cramps evidently), but by then its too late.  By then they kick in full steam and leave me crouched in the corner in the sportsplex bathroom attempting to crunch myself into the smallest ball possible.  And then I try to stretch and end back up in a ball.  By the time all is said and done, I have cramped so hard I end up with period type bleeding for a couple of days even though Aunt Flo is not due for 2 weeks (I haven't even ovulated yet, ladies and gentlemen).  It makes it really hard to exercise (or you know, move) when you have this going on all the time.  I'm so sick of this mess, and I really hope that its endometriosis related and the lap(s) can fix it.  If that's not the problem....well.....shit....  They haven't found anything else that could be causing it, so I'm hoping this could be it.

And that's all folks.  I did tell you this portion would be waaaay too much information.  So if you are sitting there thinking, "WHY DID SHE TELL ME THIS?!", I did warn you.....  Til next time....

It's been a few days since my last post.  I figured if I posted every day people would get bored, and I would have nothing to say.  It'd be a blog about me waking up and eating breakfast.  Excitement.  Then I would resort to throwing in what I ate for lunch to spice things up, and no one would read it again.  EVER.  So I have resisted the narcissistic urge to talk about myself every day and only made it to Saturday.  Ah, well, at least I tried.

So first and foremost: Surgery.  I had to call my doctor's office and finally got a date (I think.....) of February 15th.  Happy Valentine's Day!  Let's cut a hole in your tummy!  Whoot!  They initially wanted to do it next Friday, and that was all sorts of not possible.  For one, that is way too soon.  I am not ready.  Mark is not ready.  My mom is not ready.  Plus, we are going to Gatlinburg for the semi-annual family trip with Mark's family next weekend, and I would much rather be on vacation than chilling out at home with holes in my tummy.  So she moved it back a month.  They were supposed to call and confirm and give me the time and dates of all my pre-op stuff, but that has yet to happen.  I figure I will call on Monday and try to get it figured out.  Hopefully everything will be confirmed soon.  I hate being in limbo.

In other news, (haha, I think my life is news...) I did Yoga for the first time on Wednesday and LOVED it.  It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be, and I was surprisingly sore afterward.  But people were right, it is very relaxing.  I felt so relaxed, and de-stressed, and carefree once we were finished.  I would really like to start doing it twice a week and as luck would have it, the Sportsplex offers it on Sundays and Wednesdays.  I'm turning into quite the little gym rat, but I love it. I also went up on weight in Bodypump on Thursday night and although I'm a little sore, I'm not as sore as I thought I would be.  I'm also moving a little closer to my goal of teaching Zumba and have found a certification course in July in Atlanta that I will be attending.  I still have to sign up for it and pay for it, but I'm holding out to make sure that the surgery (or surgeries if she cannot remove everything) gets rid of the issues I've been having while exercising.  Its a little difficult to teach people (or you know, move) when you're balled up on the floor trying not to die because your uterus is staging a coup.

Ok folks, I have been ignoring my poor husband long enough.  I will go ahead and leave you with your IPSA of the day!!

IPSA: When talking to a couple (or a person that is part of a couple) that is having difficulty conceiving a child, do not ask them whose fault it is.  For one, that's incredibly rude and insensitive and for two, it implies that someone did something wrong and is to blame.  It is NO ONE'S fault, and to have it implied that it is, is incredibly insulting.  Also, many cases of infertility aren't as cut and dry as that.  About 1/3 of infertility cases are attributed to both the man and the woman, and in 10% of the cases, no problem can be found (oh the joy of unexplained infertility).  For more quick infertility facts, go here.

So, I'm a bit annoyed right now.  My doctor's appointment went well.  She agreed that doing an exploratory laparoscopy is the best move to try to figure out for sure that I have endometriosis.  If I do, and its only at stage I or II, she can remove it while she's in there looking around.  Anything more advanced would require a second lap with another surgeon.  She told me that she we will be doing the lap the second Friday in February, but she would have to call me today and let me know for sure as the O.R. scheduling people had left for the day.  Well, it is now after 5pm their time, and I have yet to hear anything.  Call me crazy, but I would like to know when I am having it done so that I can start preparing.  My mother and Mark have already said that they will be more than happy to help me out the first week after the procedure but of course need to know when said procedure is going to be.  The sooner I let them know, the sooner they will be able to ask off of work or move their schedules around.  So basically everyone is on stand-by until they call me to let me know when they are going to open me up. So I sit here, by the phone, waiting and waiting.  But alas, no one is calling.

In other news, I am starting yoga tonight and am super excited.  For years everyone and their brother has been telling me to do yoga.  It seems I'm always tense and stressed, and they feel yoga will help.  We shall see.  I also have an interview with a temp agency tomorrow.  I'm thinking short temp jobs would be just the thing to do until all this surgery mess is over and done with.

Well ladies and gentlemen, that is really all the news I have at the moment.  I will leave you with a short Infertility Public Service Announcement (IPSA).  I shall be doing one per blog with the exception of yesterday.  So the IPSA of the day is:

To all health care professionals (and anyone else interested):  If you are responsible for completing questionnaires with a female patient and you must ask her how many pregnancies she has had, please do not assume that pregnancy automatically equals children.  It is extremely awkward and uncomfortable for the patient to inform you that although she has had 2 pregnancies, she does not have any children.  So just stick to the "How many pregnancies?" followed by "How many live births? (Because birth does not always = living children either)".  It will help to avoid any awkwardness or potential throat punches if said patient is having a bad day.  

So....I'm going to try this whole blogging thing.  I've got lots of opinions, and thoughts, and random outbursts of bitchy-ness that need not be shared on Facebook.  I struggle not to be that girl that gives out waaaaay too much TMI, even though I seriously NEED to, darn it!  I'll see some stupid piece of celebrity trash news that infuriates me (*cough* Kim Kardashian's pregnancy *cough*), want to bitch about it on Facebook, but then realize that bitching about it will bring up private family issues that the general population on Facebook just really doesn't need to know.  So I sit on my opinion.  And I stew, and stew, and stew.  And think about posting something and then stew some more.  I finally came to the conclusion that a blog would be a good outlet.

So, now I am going to calmly discuss celebrity pregnancies.  I do not give a rat's ass about which celebrity is sporting a baby bump.  I do not care.  Duchess Kate pregnant and puking?  Don't care.  Drew Barrymore just gave birth?  Love her work, still don't care.  "Look at what these celeb moms wore when they were pregnant!!!"  NO!!! I DON'T CARE!!!  And now, to make things infinitely worse, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby.  For one, why in the hell is Kim Kardashian even considered a celebrity?  She has done absolutely nothing that calls for celebration.  The woman entered the public spotlight because of a sex tape.  Ooooh, you're a pretty skank that doesn't guard your privacy.  And now you're famous.  Great.  From what I understand, she is still married to the guy she had an over-the-top wedding with and then left 60 days later.  Not the best role model and not the best mother material.

Now I know what some people are going to say.  "Oh Sarah, you're just a bitter infertile that can't be happy when anyone is pregnant."  And yes, this is my way of coming out of the infertility closet.  It sucks in there, btw.  And that is simply not true (for the most part).  I did not care about celebrity pregnancies before I found out that I have a broken uterus.  I didn't care about their marriages and divorces.  Now it hurts to see, because yes, it is a constant reminder of what I don't have and may never have.  Before it was like, "Seriously, this is annoying, and I don't care."  And now that same sentence is used but is spoken more bitterly (and with expletives!).  The whole Kim/Kanye reproduction story just brings out the worst side of it.  She is still married to that Chris guy but pregnant with someone else's baby.  That stings because I am married and devoted to my husband, but thus far have been unable to give him a child.  Her sister Khloe, has been struggling unsuccessfully to conceive a child with her husband for 3 years, and BAM, her sister gets pregnant out of the blue.  And this all happened right after Kim froze some eggs for when she's ready to have a baby, because she is "older than [Khloe] and going to have way more problems".  And even though Khloe is happy for her sister (as are all "bitter infertiles" when a loved one gets pregnant), she is extremely sad for herself.  Its just one more reminder of this horrible stupid condition. So because I'm going through what Khloe is going through (but she's rich and can afford all sorts of ART (assisted reproductive technology) unlike moi), I feel her pain and I truly hurt for her.  And then I hurt for myself.

Ahhh, catharsis.  I feel better getting that off my chest.  I've been wanting to scream this at anyone who would listen since the story broke.  So for all of you listening, thank you.  And now, I'm going to quit ranting and go be productive before my doctor's appointment.  We get to talk about surgery today!  Yay!  I'm actually quite ready for it and will let everyone know how it goes.